to everyone except the people i like….an open letter.

I am not nearly as fucking retarded as you think.  I am a smart girl but you are putting way too much pressure on me.  I can’t do this much.  I can’t think about this much.  There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to muster up enough “give-a-fuck” to get this all done.

I am smart, gifted even…creative and valuable, but you are absolutely wasting it on minutia, redundancy and general bullshit.  I am a fine driver and am more self-less than you could ever imagine being.  I am burnt-out, miserable and find no passion or drive in my life to achieve anything more than this.  The more demands you give me, the less drive I feel to complete them.  I am never going to call enough, email enough, or pay close enough attention.  I am never going to work that many hours or care enough.  There will always be more important things in life to me than your money and your feelings so long as my money and my feelings exist.  If you are this self-important, I have every right under the power of God on this green Earth to tell you to screw yourself and make myself important for once.

xoxo,

me

stfu.pdf

Is it wrong if I start giving less-than-appropriate filenames to the work I do? One of my responsibilities is to find images for the websites for which I work. really, the objective is to name it something you can remember so you can associate it with a post later…right?

So far I’ve done bffs.jpg (for Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin) and iranianguy.jpg…for some Iranian guy.

I am just afraid there is a fine line between being funny and not giving a shit about my paycheck; a very fine line I may some day cross. When I start naming things stfu.pdf and suckit.png, I’ll know it’s time to call it quits.

my world.

So the knee is in one piece. No tears, no popped ligaments, nothing like that. It’s just a case of patellar tendonitis. That means all I have to do is go to one session of physical therapy to learn a few exercises and so long as I do those things, I should be back to normal very soon. The doc even told me I can play softball and surf if I want, so long as I don’t do too much to re-aggravate it, especially at the beginning.

So…great news! I get my board today via mail and before I know it, I will have strengthened up my knee to the point of being able to hop on and catch a few waves! I can’t wait!

In other news, the SM’s job is totally taking over his life, which has precipitated into my personal time as well. We were up at the store until 11:30 last night with these old cronies installing new computers and software. We were home 6 until 9 to eat and chill momentarily and then three and a half hours after close, we finally were able to leave and go home for the night, for good. I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer so I crashed, but SM stayed up until 3:30-ish doing laundry or else he’d have to go naked to work today…and depending on where you work, some places look down on that. Needless to say, once 6 a.m. rolled around again this morning, neither me nor the hotness lying next to me were in very good spirits.

Now I have a headache to rival all previous headaches and something is floating around in my eye that is preventing me from seeing very well. This blurry vision bullshit is really getting old. I keep yawning to wash my eye, but it never seems to help. I think I am going to have to hit up the eye doctor too. Bleh.

In other good news though, the big project I have been working on at work is finally done and now it’s just updating the site here and there with new stories and images. I considered more than once jumping out into traffic out here in front of my building, but now, in hindsight, I am glad I chose not to. Life might suck sometimes, but it beats being laid up in the hospital.

Well, that is my world. What’s new with you guys?

i’m out.

I know that I am spoiled and should shut up but I’ve been here now, staring at this computer, doing everyone’s bidding for the last 10 hours with no lunch break.  There was no time.  Finally headed home now to change real quick, go to the SM’s softball game and go get my MRI at 9 pm tonight for my knee.  Wish me luck, eh?

my life is socks.

They have taken away

my creativity

and left

only a wrinkled

tattered

unwashed

pile

of zeroes and ones.

sorry.

I apologize for being out of commission the whole day and not writing to you guys. This has probably been the worst day so far at my new job. Anything that could have got wrong did, and I ended up massacreing our websites a few times. My usual partner in crime is at the beach until Monday with his family and I was definitely thrown into the fire and expected not to come out as burnt toast.

It was just another reminder of what I posted so passionately about yesterday. What am I doing and what do I need to do to make my life satisfying? What do I need to do to care? I’ve learned a lot this week with my crutch being out of the office, but at the same time, it was a hard realization that I have in a field that I don’t care that much about. To be any more successful in the field I am in, I am going to have to get better at what I did all week. And I don’t know how I feel about that.

Oh well, it’s the weekend. I don’t have to think about anything for a few days.

the day of reckoning.

BEFORE

AFTER

Not so bad, eh? Considering I had a monster of a visit from my friend Aunt Flo last week that drove me to the vending machine and ice cream more than I’d like to admit, I think I maintained pretty well. I’m not super ashamed of the midsection. Of course there is always work to do on the hips and ass; I AM inevitably a member of my family and a product of my genes. But this is tolerable.

Needless to say, productivity will be at a bare minimum today. Beach beach beach beach beach beach beach beach beach. Beach.

Beach.

T minus 24 hours and counting until it’s all about the sun and sand, Coronas and Cosmos….and breaking in the brother-in-law’s new margarita machine that he got for Father’s Day.  How appropriate, from a 2 year old.  The “outlaws” got in at about 2 am this morning, pumped and ready to go.  We are all restless and ready to crank up the crossover SUVs and trek it down!

the week.

So another week has started and it’s going to be a hell of one.  Sunday we spent over at the Kuntry Pimp’s eating his mama’s food, which consisted of mounds of field peas, okra, garden tomatoes, pepper steak, BBQ chicken, sweet potato pie…you name it.  A big shout out to the KP, JC and everyone who had anything to do with making the SM and I extra fat and curvaceous this weekend.  Wow - what a bunch of cooks!  It reminded me of being back “home” in Texas with all the loud, raucous family, having a good ol’ time.

Sadly, the day of deliciousness and joy was cut short when monday came around.  This week its all about preparation.  Getting stuff bought for Charleston, getting stuff packed, getting work done around the house.  Work was crazy again today, but thankfully tomorrow, one person who was out for a week on jury duty is back and we have an all-hands-on-deck meeting around 2.  Not a bad day on the onset at least. 

My sleep has been depressingly effed as of late.  The SMs been up late, thinking and stressing about his store, I’ve been on and off drugs and mensruating like a freaking champion, so my sleep has exponentially increased, with lots of disruptions.  There hasn’t been a lot of time for me and the old man to enjoy each other.  But before we know it, with all this stuff to do, we’ll be in the car headed to Charleston, ready to get practically sick of each other with all the time we have off.  It is much needed.  I can’t wait to hang on the beach, cold drink in one hand, cosmo mag in the other while I watch my wannabe surfer boy take the waves in his cute new swim trunks.  I can’t wait to build sand castles with the niece-in-law.  I can’t wait to get stupid and make bad decisions…and eat seafood. 

Just a few more days and peace, serenity and margaritas are MINE!

when is the weekend?

Seriously. Today has been a huge clusterfuck for all intensive purposes.  I am just glad it’s coming to the end.

I have been incredibly overwhelmed this week, inundated with new processes and programs to the point where they are all blending together.  I like the people here.  I like what we do and it’s in an industry I like.  I am just about learned the fuck out.  It’s beautiful out the window and I need to get some dinner, get on the couch and get some hot lovin from the SM.

the grind.

I can’t say enough how sorry I am for being so neglectful of you, my sweet and awesome fanbase.  The last few days have been going swimmingly despite not having a moment to sit and breathe.

For those of you who care, I did get the job at the sports publication company that I mentioned before.  The guy whose place I took is gone and the amount I have been pushed into learning is more than I thought I was capable of.  New programs, new people, new processes - it’s been nothing short of totally insane.  While I’ve been swamped and overwhelmed with all this new information, I have not been able to get a to know a lot of folks on anything more than a professional basis.  This leaves me pretty lonely over here in my cube, but busy as a smokin’-hot bee.

Being in a position of still learning and being unsure of myself, attempting to fill some pretty big shoes, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed and insecure.  I haven’t had time for personal life moments of much substance so the self-esteem isn’t exacctly at normal AshPash levels.  I confronted the SM about it today to let him know that I’m down for sheer lack of energy and lack of fortifying accomplishments.  At this point, I’m trying to be proud that I’m surviving, but the superficial pride I’m mustering is exactly that.  Superficial.

I need some Ash time.  I need some time on the couch getting my hair played with.  I need to use some of my Pure Romance products, if ya know what I’m saying (see the next post).  Being so focused on my professional success and survival has left very little time or energy to focus on me, the SM or the Punk.  I toss and turn at night.  I eat a steady diet of salad and Hydroxycut to stay in the game.  I haven’t blogged our journaled like I should to get some of this out of my head.

It’s a transition, that’s for sure.  New schedules, new hours, new surroundings.  At least I have a big window right in font of me to absorb some sunshiny joy from the Carolina blue skies.