ask jeeves.

Yesterday, the SM’s car was having some issues, so he dropped me off at my shadowing appointment with the agreement that he’d go to his training for work and be able to pick me up afterwards to head to my therapy session with the Shrink. 

Well, shadowing was over at 11.  The SM’s training ended up going to about 3:30, when it was scheduled until 1.  I didn’t know how I’d get to therapy by 2.  At this point, my therapist helps me pro-bono, given that I do a lot of side work for him with presentations and marketing help.  But I signed an agreement that says if I can’t make it and I don’t give him proper notice, he will charge me the usual rate, which is $175 an hour.  I had to find a ride. 

I asked the front desk of the office building in which I shadowed if had the number for a cab company.  They said all they had was a limo service.  Fantastic.  It was was going to be as much as a cab.  I said fine, call the limo.

I consider myself pretty low maintenance.  So showing up to therapy in the nicest part of Charlotte, in a limo, was too fuckin’ weird.  I felt like I should be carrying a Gucci bag and wearing Prada shoes.  Am I living in the OC now?  For realz. 

Needless to say, I was not happy when I got out of the sesh with the Skrinkage and the SM was still locked up in training.  I waited around for a little bit and realized my fate.  I had to call the limo service back. 

So alas - here came the pimped out ride to take me back to my $800-a-month apartment…because we’re down to one car because one of ours is so old and broke-ass.  Awesome.

So only a total of $42 later, I was home, feeling like a regular old pimp, having to stop at the front desk becuase the SM had the keys.  Fantastic. 

So that was my day yesterday.  Job offer, limo ride.  Life aint too shabby.

how being an only child has ruined my life.

I came to a difficult, yet honest realization this weekend as I lay in bed on Sunday, crying again over another ridiculous, un-met expectation that I had on the SM.  Being raised as an only child has ruined me for life. 

Things were always done for me; my messes cleaned up, my stresses diluted, my needs met unconditionally.  I asked for it and I got it, on my time schedule, my way. 

The hard but real truth is that no one I will ever meet the same level and devotion as my parents did.  No one else will ever drop their lives just for me or bear every last cross.  No one will take care of every last problem I have so altruistically as my parents have over the last 27 years.  But regardless of this, I inevitably hold everyone else I meet up to these unrealistic standards.  Inevitably, I come off as the spoiled brat who is never satisfied.  No one else is every doing their share.  No one makes me feel special.

I know that it’s no one’s fault.  My parents did the best they could and I did the best I could.  But how, after some therapy and some introspection, do you eliminate the effects of a solo-flight childhood after habitually feeding this disappointing cycle for 27 years? 

This is the next question to cover with the Shrink.  This could be the breakthrough that I have needed all my life.  I know it’s a fact about my upbringing that I, obviously, have always been aware of, but sometimes it takes saying it out loud to really hear it.  Being an only child, in a lot of ways, has really affected my life in negative ways.  Of course, it helped foster creativity and imagination and the ability to enjoy alone time and independence.  I AM self-reliant on a variety of things.  But as far as relationships are concerned, I know for a fact that I expect more from people the the average person.  And I know I have caused disagreements, fights and full-on blow-outs resulting in break-ups because of it.

I do not regret leaving the relationships I have moved on from the past in the slightest but I made the decision a year and a month ago that I wanted to be with my SM for as long as he’ll have me.  I don’t want to leave or get left again….ever.  I know if I make some changes and help myself out that there isn’t anyone better for me.  He has his demons too, but all I can do is help myself and be the best AshPash I can be.  Besides, I have a feeling if the cycle of dysfunction that I am directly responsible for can stop, that will improve our relationships and my life in general, dramatically. 

Here’s to making a big step in the right direction to quick sabotaging my relationships and success. 

child rearing and future sanity.

A good friend of mine down here emailed me this morning about some derision that is going on in her home as of late, so this got me thinking and rambling, somewhat articulately…so I thought I’d share.  It was all about upheaval and its effect on how we live our lives, regarding ourselves and even our chidren.

Upheaval is definitely digested and dealt with in a variety of ways…dictated a lot even by the age of the person.  Babies cry.  Tweens and teens act out in school/against parents…and people at the quarter-life crisis timeframe have spouses and ourselves to fight against.  We all do the best we can, but its something that we all face.  One’s wit’s end is not a fun place to be, but there isn’t one of us who hasn’t been there before.

Regarding the birth and nurturing of the AshPash and how it relates:  While my dad “was around” in the way that my parents weren’t divorced, there was a lot of time in my childhood that I had just with my mom, me and her.  My dad would go to work before I got up for school in the morning and get home right before bed.  I know it was hard for my mom to strike the balance between friend/confidant and mother/disciplinarian.  I know that inner turmoil for her affected our relationship today and my relationship with others now. 

I have daddy issues so I have a genuine fear of abandonment that rears its ugly head sometimes.  I was an only child so I like to be the center of attention a little more than the average bear.  But I know my parents did the best they could with the resources they have and I don’t fault them for that.

The implications of child birth and rearing on the future contributions of your offspring can be very overwhelming.  Though I don’t have kids, that is one of the reasons why I have abstained from making them.  That, and I prefer sending money on designer shoes over diapers.   

There was just a lot of talking and learning every experience that my mother had to discipline me.  I remember at one point, I told her to quit spanking me (very young, 4-5 or so) because it didn’t hurt long enough…like it wasn’t punishment enough.  (I was smart enough to know the psychology of reward and consequence, but not smart enough to shut my stupid mouth?)  I’d get spanked and be out in the yard again, riding my Big Wheel in 15 minutes.  I found that taking things away that I cared about worked well, but built a little resentment in me too.  I’m still mad about the time I got my phone taken and I was grounded for five weeks for being in a different yard, which both of my parents could see as easily as the yard I was supposed to be in.  I was 10 for Christ’s sake.

The best reason I EVER felt sorry and righted my ship for what I feel were the right reasons was because my mom took the time to explain why my actions were so upsetting to her.  She would say that she wanted a good life for me…that she KNEW how smart and talented I was and I could be anything I wanted if I just tried, so it hurt her when I didn’t.  It wasn’t guilt-based talk - it was only how she felt and how she saw it.  But I felt bad because I was letting her and my dad down.  I wasn’t living up to my potential or their expecations.  We had such a close relationship, that I felt responsible as a friend almost to keep up my half of the deal.  It was a lesson in our relationship…and in compassion and consequences beyond material things.

Now I can’t say for sure…quite yet…if that strategy works best in the long run.  Now that I don’t have parents to enforce their ideals and expectations on me, I have started forcing unrealistic expectations on myself and as a result, go to therapy and work through this “cycle of self-defeat” stuff I’ve posted about before.  I assume wherever mistakes I make are catastrophic…and overgeneralize each mis-step as a judgement on my character as a whole.  I’m constantly spending futile energy on thinking and being anxious about the future and have a real problem with being truly content and satisfied with my life.

So is that better than lowering my standards and accepting the status quo?  Living under the radar?  Settling for a life of entitlement and dependence on others, or God forbid, the government?  Hell if I know.  At this point, I’d prefer my road, just because I think it affects fewer people negatively in the long run.  I might hate myself, but at least I didn’t have a child at 15 or go to jail or something.  I think once we are raised and on our own to make decisions about this stuff alone with on ourselves to blame, we all get to choose the better of two evils in this life. 

Everyone, no matter their upbringing, is on this vast, long looping, forked spectrum of normalcy and sanity.  I am a firm believer that there is no “normal” or “sane”…I think it’s just a matter of who is doing the best job at keeping their life unaffected by every last detail from their past to enjoy the present as it happens and look optimistically towards the future.  And that takes some serious practice, considerable introspection, a lot of forgiving and patience from each other.  And often times, therapy. 

therapy sesh two, continued.

As I wrote the last post, I realized, I was feeling very uncomfortable and unsettled about changing my thoughts as I should to live a happy, satisfying life. 

It feels like there is some self-defeating talk inherent to this process as well.  Sometimes, when something does go wrong, admittedly, it kind of feels good to wallow momentarily.  Sometimes, it’s cathartic to yell and cry when I am upset; it’s almost a guilty pleasure.  How will I know when it’s OK to express myself strongly and openly and when I don’t to be emotionally healthy?  I guess I am just concerned that this habit will get me out of even productively expressing my extreme emotions.  In turn, I am concerned that I am comfortable on this rocky ground, this slippery slope and that attitude in itself is prone to failure. 

Ugh, AshPash - QUIT IT.  I can do this.  I’m young and have the world as my oyster (with a big ol lemon wedge).  I have friends and family who want this for me….I want it for myself.  I have improved my life already, even in the last few weeks for the better…just by tweaking a few small things.  This can happen.

I guess all global change begins with baby steps.  And my first step - going to the store and getting some plants for our balcony. 

the cycle of self-defeat. or therapy session two.

Last night, I went to my second therapy session.

First, let me give you an update on my mental status since my last meeting with Senor Shrink.  As a reminder, we had discussed at length the importance of finding balance in your life…between work and play, between selfish actions and selfless actions, etc.  I saw very clearly the necessity of the yin and yang in our lives and had made it a point in the last two weeks to really put those ideas into practice.  I went to yoga classes, took time by myself to install our iPod docking stereo and listen to music, mediatively and alone…and took more time in the bubble bath, just for me.  I spoke up more specifically about things I want out of life and the people in it. 

On the whole, my mental state has improved dramatically.  I found myself being able to give even more effectively when I took time for myself when I needed it.  I found myself resenting less and enjoying the present more when I was able to (at first) force myself to ask for things I wanted and needed.  Of course, my whole world isn’t puppy dogs and candy canes yet, but I saw a marked difference…as did the SM. 

This week we spoke about the destructive cyclic thinking associated with self-defeat. 

There are three steps to experiencing a difficult event.  First, the difficult event happens.  (They happen to everyone.)  Two:  Emotions/reactions to those events happen to everyone.  The bridge between the two, and the often under-credited #3 of this equation, is our self-talk.  The experience we feel is based on what we tell ourselves as precipitated from those events. 

Take a sample difficult event:  A bad job interview.  There are a lot of reasons why an interview doesn’t go as well as planned. Perhaps the interviewer said you weren’t qualified.  Maybe the position was already filled.  Maybe you were late or forgot a copy of your resume.  Perhaps you spilled your morning coffee all over yourself in the car before you got there.  All of these smaller events inevitably lead to emotions about the interview.  Frustration, disappointment, anger, self-pity, insecurity, helplessness, failure.  This is where the self-talk comes in and dictates the spectrum on which you feel each of these emotions - and if what you’re feeling is at an apporpriate level on that spectrum.  “I’m clumsy”, “I gave them a terrible first impression”, can lead to “I’m not good enough”, “I’ll never be happy” and ultimately, if not curbed - “I’m a failure…in life”.

There is a big difference between experiencing the event in the present with realistic, logical, evidence-based self-talk…and seeing it through the clouded glasses of self-defeat.  And even beyond that, there is a big difference in how one will conduct themselves in the future when someone can delineate the two, living in the former reality and not the latter.

The Shrink and I discussed using self-talk as a tool to help replace the negative, self-defeating thoughts in my head with positive, realistic, reality-based thoughts.  He explained that the brain has a very hard time focusing on nothing.  So when negative thoughts crop up, it’s imperative to replace them with optimistic, yet realistic thoughts instead.  He challenged me to think of contrary statements to what I am feeling to see if what I am processing is appropriate or not.

When faced with the let-down of a failed job interview, instead of telling myself what a failure I am, how I’ll be stuck at my current job forever and that I’ll never be professionally happy, I need to ask myself, what evidence do I REALLY have that says that I’ll be stuck forever and I’m a huge failure?  None.

I need to tell myself that I am a valuable asset and have knowledge and education that someone does find vaulable; the contrary evidence is that I’ve been hired before.  If I am telling myself I’ll never be happy, what is the evidence that I have that tells me that?  Nothing.  I need to tell myself that there are a lot of things in my life that do make me happy that I am successful at, such as being a good friend and girlfriend.  Maybe the job I went in for wasn’t exactly suited for my talents anyways and I’d end up being dissatisfied there, too.  But it’s not that I have evidence that I am stuck in a life sentence.

When given these examples and exercises, they seemed simple enough to put into practice.  It was easy to see that I do participate in too much overgeneralization (where this one interview dictates my whole future) and hyperbolization (making situations out to be a lot more catastrophic than they really are); I could see where I could use this in frustrating situations at work and with friends.  The only obstacle I could forsee was trying to use this effectively and immediately in more personal situations.  When I am more intimately connected to a situation, my senses and the consequences are heightened, and I am afraid that I am prone to throwing these tools out the window and regressing back to writhing in a pool of tears and Kleenex on the bed at 2 a.m. like a sloppy, crazy, hot mess.  I have gotten really good at that.  Maybe that isn’t a talent I should put on the ol’ resume, though.

He said that practice in simpler, less emotional situations will be the key.  Mastering this art in situations in which I am more emotionally removed will prove to be helpful as the predictaments get more complex.  I have to believe him; he’s a lot older and wiser than I…and most importantly, he is able to see my life with an objective eye.  And that is invaluable at this point.

My homework is to journal out these kind of situations rather than just mushing them around in my big, soft noggin.  When a difficult situation comes my way and negative thoughts flow into me, I have to write out the three steps and put myself on the spectrum of appropriateness.  This quite deliberate, concrete practice should get me well on the road to changing my thoughts without pen and paper someday in the near future.  I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

getting shrunk.

Last night, I went to my first therapy session to finally get my head in check and my thoughts from swirling so much.  If you’ve been around this blog enough, you know I’ve been a hot mess for a little while and finally took the right step to ge tin front of someone objective and make a change.

It was just what I needed to hear. 

My homework is to do more for myself.  Each of our lives need to be a balance of doing for others and doing for ourselves and I, as I have mentioned before, thought that was a problem.  My shrink prescribed AshPash time in at least 30 minute (if not more) intervals, 4 times a week.  Quiet, silent, meditative time.  Yoga, whatever - without the noise of life.  He didn’t think I was depressed because my eating and sleep hasn’t changed or anything - I have days but it’s not something I morph into when I get down.  I just have a lot of anxiety that I shouldn’t.  Way too many thoughts.

Another thing he said that made a mountain of sense is the fact that I have a very hard time admitting out loud that I have problems.  I joke and jest about my issues, but it’s rare that I sit with someone and talk about things in a healthy, progressive way.  I have always been the best friend, the big sister, the RA, etc….and I have fostered all my relationships, consciously or subconsciously, to fit that dynamic.  The relationships I have built are not conducive to me being cared for but for me being the care giver.  I am the shoulder and the ear and always have been.   I LIKE that role, I like being helpful and obviously I am comfortable in that role and thrive on it, but perhaps I have gotten too comfortable.  Just like with everything else…there needs to be balance.  I need to care for others, but I need to be cared for sometimes…and, most importantly, NOT feel guilty about it.  This leads me directly to another point that segued pretty nicely from what the Shrink and I talked about….

Before I got to my session last night, the SM called and I was thinking about how I really wanted him to cook dinner so I wouldn’t have to.  I just wanted to come home, eat, get my bubble bath and watch Idol in my PJs.  So I asked him what he wanted for dinner…if he wanted to get it out so it could thaw..and he said, Baby - if you want me to cook dinner, just say so. 

After my talk with the Shrink,  I realized that I do that passive-aggressive, not-really-asking-for-what-I-want shit all the time.  I did it with sex the other night.  I came out after my bath and just laid around sans threads for a little while while we watched TV, hoping he might get the hint that I was down for the dirty-dirty.  But he was totally immersed in his show and had no idea.  I should have just spoke up.  He would have gotten the hint and I would have gotten what I wanted.

But I haven’t made that a habit because…honestly, I feel guilty.  I feel selfish for asking.  But ay, the rub is that if I don’t ask, or if I’m not being forthright about what I want, then I don’t get what I want and I get resentful of the SM; not mad at myself.  If I just asked for what I wanted, I’d get it almost every time. 

The SM asks for what he wants.  He takes time for himself when he gets home from work each day with a video game or PTI or learning guitar.  He’s HAPPY and couldn’t be happier and now I can understand why.  He said it best last night:  “If I didnt take time for myself, I’d go fucking crazy!”

Precisely.

So that’s where my head is right now.   I have GOT to get into some more yoga classes…get to the park with the Punk more often, whatever it is that I can do alone and in the silence of my head.  I just to have some peace.  And I think I just needed to hear it from someone else.

I just had to explain to the SM that hearing HIM say I need to make more time for myself made it sound like he didn’t want to spend time with me…that I was getting annoying and it hurt my feelings.  Hearing the Shrink say it made it sound like I was doing it for me and my sanity so I could be a better GF and a happier individual in my skin.  It sounds like a simple delineation to make…but it took him saying it for me to digest it better.

The SM and I lay in bed for an hour after everything last night and talked about all this.  Once the conversation tapered off, I finally spoke up and said outloud, in no uncertain terms, without minced words, what I wanted.  It was liberating and at once, I felt alive.

“OK….I am giving you a massage and I want to have sex with you right now.” 

He obliged.

Therapy is a beautiful thing.

the therapy couch.

Let me apologize up front for this stream of consciousness.  Sometimes, you just need to get stuff out.  This, my friends, is one of those times. 

I’ve mentioned before this ongoing struggle I have been fighting internally.  I am concerned on a daily basis with the management of my self-definition, the unease of such an unsettled life the last few years and the precipitating lack of confidence it has all caused.  I know that I don’t have to work through anything as difficult as those sad characters on “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” (holy crap, I love that show).  I am just not positive where to turn.

Somedays, I want to go to therapy where I can just talk everything out of my head and leave everything in that room.  Where I won’t be judged and someone with actual knowledge and professional experience might be able to suggest something that would cause that proverbial light bulb to go off in my head.  Moms and boyfriends are invaluable and more patient than I deserve sometimes, but are not very good therapists.  While they might love you and want for you, what they feel is your best interest, it’s very hard to take criticism from someone so deeply invested and/or with no professional training. 

In some ways, attempted self-help sounds more efficient.  Taking out the middle man with journaling and reading books on your own can help.  Given the fact that you and only you are truly the only one who knows every last sordid reason for your feelings (even the reasons you may not want to share with the Mom or BF), maybe that’s the route to go.  But then, you don’t have the luxury of the objective, external point of view of a therapist or other person to bring you back down to reality when you’ve fostered potentially debilitating overanalyzations in your own head.

Maybe it’s a combination of the two.  At this point, I am still working on the ratio of ingredients here.  Hell, I don’t even know what to use for measuring cups at this point.

All I know is that I feel like I am in some sort of limbo. Everything is fine.  Work is fine, boyfriend’s great, family relationships are good.  I just feel like I am floating along in this numb, empty space.  Maybe I’m jaded from past years of instant gratification and the continual drive towards something of value or achievement to define myself and give myself value.  I was always working to graduate, to get a job I cared about, to find a soulmate…and now there isn’t that obvious journey to success. 

I am there.  On the GPS of life, the screen is reading “Destination Reached.”

I just came to that conclusion.  I’ve been reaching, achieving, thick in the trenches for so long.  Now I have everything I want and I guess I miss the familiar grind.  I have everything I want.  I should be happy.  I need to be happy.  When I look around me, with my fat paycheck, my gorgeous, smart, funny soulmate, my repaired relationships with my parents, the clarification and knowledge of what I need and deserve and the ability to stand up for it, living in a state I like, financially independent, keeping my weight in check - what am I doing, wasting my life, worrying, waiting for the next big thing?  It’s like, I’m unhappy because it’s not PERFECT.  But Jeez.  No one has ever achieved perfection.  The SM and I will disagree sometimes because we’re two different people.  I will have days where I’d rather stay home and watch Everyday Italian with Giada DeLaurentiis or an “America’s Next Top Model” marathon - but everyone feels that way.  No one always has a smile on their face, or always feels fulfilled.  There is a lot to be said for contentment, acceptance..and gratitude for where you are and what you’ve been through. 

I’ve been wasting my time. It’s good to work to improve your life and status, but it’s good to appreciate and be proud of what you have achieved.  I am confident now that after achieving and attaining all I have, I have consciously been trying to find things wrong in my life to worry and fuss over.  Just to perpetuate that constant feeling of being on my toes, because I’ve been comfortable there for so long. 

Wow.  This has really helped.  Now I just have to flesh out how I can stop this bad habit, at any cost.  To continue to strive to be a better person or improve things where they need improvement…but redefine the way I go about it.  I think for a long time, my discontent always laid in others - my strained relationship with my dad, finding a significant other I am compatible with, butting heads with coworkers and friends.  It was all external stimuli.  I think for the most part, at this point in my life, I have that pretty well reined in.

Now that I am surrounded, externally by everything I want and need, the work begins in renovating myself, from the inside out.  Extreme Makeover:  Ashleigh Edition.  I like the sound of that.