to everyone except the people i like….an open letter.

I am not nearly as fucking retarded as you think.  I am a smart girl but you are putting way too much pressure on me.  I can’t do this much.  I can’t think about this much.  There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to muster up enough “give-a-fuck” to get this all done.

I am smart, gifted even…creative and valuable, but you are absolutely wasting it on minutia, redundancy and general bullshit.  I am a fine driver and am more self-less than you could ever imagine being.  I am burnt-out, miserable and find no passion or drive in my life to achieve anything more than this.  The more demands you give me, the less drive I feel to complete them.  I am never going to call enough, email enough, or pay close enough attention.  I am never going to work that many hours or care enough.  There will always be more important things in life to me than your money and your feelings so long as my money and my feelings exist.  If you are this self-important, I have every right under the power of God on this green Earth to tell you to screw yourself and make myself important for once.

xoxo,

me

mulligan.

I think I want to redecorate, reorganize, re-do my life. Call this a mulligan, perhaps. Get my things and move to Isle of Palms and buy a surf shop. Do websites on the side…be my own boss, surf whenever I want…and downsize my “wants”. Downsize my closet. Make life more simple. I think my life is too complicated right now. Too many people to answer to, too many things to worry me, too many lost hours of sleep and too many wasted days of doing things I am not passionate about.

I need to reconsider what is really important in life. Family, God, and living each day enjoying life. I can’t do that locked in a cubicle, chained to a desk chair. I need to be outside more. I need to chat with strangers more. I need to go to church more. I need to create more, read more, write more, relax more. I need to eat fresher food and cook more. I need to dance like no one is watching more. I need to feel the sun on my face more. And I need less of just about everything else.

At times, I feel guilty for not being more appreciative for the life I have. I have been incredibly lucky and blessed to lead the life I lead. I am educated, loved, appreciated and well taken care of. But there is a void in my life because I am not taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically…and honestly, physically. I have to change it because everyday I waste is just one more day I’ll never get back and I don’t want to end up at 38, 58…88, still feeling like life is something that only other people experience. Life is too short to limit yourself. Whether you like it or not, you are your work…you’re there 8 hours a day, a majority of your day. You have early morning and late evening to yourself to do what you want and not what your boss wants.

I just want to be off that radar. Out of the matrix. Windows down, hair up…feeling “full” again. Caring about what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with and life being as simple as that.

I was thinking this morning on my drive, in the traffic and smog…that while I am blessed and life is good, etc…this is not what I want to do for the next 30 years. There is no reason why we can’t live how we want. The key to success is being passionate about what you’re doing..and I feel like I am not successful at life right now because I could care less about the things going on around me. I don’t care about work, responsibilities, etc. I care about the SM. Punky. My family. And being happy.

I feel like I am living this life because of how someone else defines success…having money, taking vacations, buying hot dresses at BCBG that I’ll only wear once or twice. I realize now that happiness for me is being held. Being creative. And being appreciative. I am taking this “good life” for granted because it’s not satisfying any needs or wants in me. If we could just figure out what it would take to redecorate our lives with the things that are important to us – core things – and do it…success and happiness will follow. We’d be skinnier. We’d be richer in more ways than having a few grand in the bank account at once.

All I know is that I can’t crop images in Photoshop, traffic ads and clean up people’s messes for them until I retire.  I can’t look out this window into the Carolina blue sky and never be sheltered by nothing but it and it’s stars with the cool sand between my toes, hunting for ghost crabs with a flashlight.  I left my heart somewhere and I need to go find it.

sound off, friends!

I have no idea where they came from, but as of late, there has been a real influx of Debbie Downer comments on the AOT. Every time I mention the relationship with the SM in a light that isn’t as favorable as Cinderella and Prince Charming, someone out there thinks that they know what they are talking about and give me their two cents.

Now as far as I know, I don’t know this person and there really isn’t anyway that this person knows the SM. And if 2 and 2 are 4, one can only assume this person knows nothing about our relationship either.

I am an opinionated person; there is no question about that. I have my political and religious views and thoughts about whether or not it’s all right to wear white shoes after Labor Day. But one thing that I would never comment on is the status of someone’s relationship with their significant other. I am a staunch advocate of the statement that you have the right and responsibility to yourself to stay committed so long as there is more good than bad in your relationship, according to the people engaged in the relationship. It is not my business how dysfunctionally you keep your shit together. I have been friends with people who have dealt with financial issues, medical issues, addictions, distance, religious differences, you name it – and never once have I told my friend that they were wrong for trying to work it out. There is no way that anyone else can truly understand exactly what their friend is going through. Even if you came from very similar circumstances or even were siblings in the same house, your life experience can vary so greatly that someone from outside your microcosm of similar stories can turn out completely different. Given that fact, no one has the wisdom or knowledge to accurately suggest how, when or why someone should handle their lives.

Unless, of course, your pattern of living directly infringes upon someone else’s pattern of living in a negative way. If your lack of proper attention forces you into the back of my truck at a high rate of speed, I have a right to get your information and make your insurance go up. If you’re at a ballgame with your kids and there are drunken, belligerent fools around you with no profanity filters, you can have a word with them or enlist the event security to have them escorted out. You can tell a friend it hurts your feelings if they are consistently late for the plans you make. Wake up your old man if he’s snoring too loud. Take back the covers. If your livelihood or comfort are negatively affected by someone else, that is the only time you have the right and responsibility to tactfully and appropriately ask them to cut it the fuck out.

This post is another perfect example.

You don’t know, and I don’t care to share, every last detail about my upbringing or past relationships. Additionally, I give the same respect to the SM’s past to the point where I don’t even use his full name. I just know for a fact that we handle some issues that come up less productively than we could. But shall he who is without sin cast the first stone in that arena. There isn’t one person out there who hasn’t said, “well, I could have handled that better.” There isn’t one person who can say, “I am perfect and the model by which all others should model their crisis-management style.” There isn’t a person ever born on this green earth that hasn’t had conflict in their life. And there isn‘t one person I have ever met that can tell me how to run my life because they aren’t living it. And in this instance, don’t even know me.

I read self-help books. I go to therapy. And if something can help someone else out that I have learned through the trials and tribulations in my life, that is fantastic. I can recommend books, recommend a shrink, but I can never recommend what you do with that information. I would never suggest any of my friends to leave their significant other for any reason I created or thought to be valid according to my experience.

The problem may lie in the perception I am giving. Quite simply, if I blogged each and every day about the sweet and generous actions of my boyfriend, no one would read it because they would be busy throwing up. He holds my hand, kisses me twenty times a day, spoons me at night and even cooks healthy and low-carb dinners a few times a week. He pays for more than his share of the bills and isn’t jealous when I need to make time for myself. He tells me I’m sexy/talented/smart and takes out the trash (most of the time). He does all of the laundry. He makes me laugh uncontrollably and keeps things in perspective. He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, driven and he’s unbelievable in the sack. But honestly, he has an Irishman’s temper. He plays the martyr sometimes. He takes things personally. He leaves his dishes on the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher. He’s a bad singer. He’s not perfect?!

Big fucking deal.

I’m an overemotional crybaby. I’m terrible with money. I take things too personally. I have a temper. I can be lazy. I get epic PMS straight from the 5^th or 6^th ring of Hell. My feet smell like Fritos. Ask him.

We do all we can to put up with each other some days. A huge majority of the days, it’s the easiest job in the world and I have the honor to be able to pile up even more proof that the SM is who I want to spend the rest of my days with. Every day, that is my determination and choice. And that determination and choice has absolutely zero effect on anyone else’s livelihoods. There is SO much more that I love about him than qualities that bug me. I know that I share my life with the public via the AOT, but I choose to share the interesting and comical bits, not the repetitive, boring bits. I don’t comment on other people’s relationships and I don’t feel like I need to defend my choices, especially to people who don’t know jack about me, the SM or where we come from. I just share the lessons I learn, the questions I have, so people don’t feel alone. This thing called life is a very common phenomenon we all share and feeling like we are in the same boat as others is something that only the human species can comprehend.

Ask anyone who knows the SM and I. In fact, I encourage those people who do know us to comment on this blog. We are a cool muthafuckin’ couple who gets along more often than I write about because getting along is boring to read about. No use in being the Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag of the blogosphere. No need to set up cheesy photo-ops of the SM giving me a piggy back ride through a carnival while I eat cotton candy and giggle like a high school cheerleader. We don’t slurp spaghetti like the Lady and the Tramp. No one does. LIFE is the business of the montage below. Go live yours and mind your own.

since i have the time…

Since I don’t exactly have any work to do, I thought I’d stop in again and give more details about the waxing we all took yesterday.

I was brought in to the Kahuna’s office and they told me the news.  They then asked me what my feelings were.  Given the closed doors, lack of sales and general rumors going around, I told them , “Honestly, it was a little bit like hearing Elton John was gay.”  We had a good laugh and I told them that maybe this was a sign to re-evaluate what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I think I was cut from a different cloth than the cubicle jockeys out there.  As I left, I told them I’d bring in a keg on my last day and go out in style.  They joked about having a party and I said, “I’m serious.  Lets get drunk. What are you going to do?  Fire me?”

The rest of the day was me posting resumes, emailing radio stations and talking inordinate amounts of shit about life and it’s raw deals as of late.  Thankfully, I’ve gotten a few sniffs around Camp AshPash for my skill set, so I am not in full-blow freak-out mode quite yet.  In fact, I got an email from a local radio station already asking me to stop in and interview.  I’ve gotten a few calls as well regarding some web and writing-based stuff too.  So I haven’t launched myself off the deeep end quite yet.  I will come May 25 or so.

As for the SM, he’s been incredibly supportive and col through this.  He has been a real source of support and peace of mind.  His job is going so phenomenally well that this is really turning out to not be the worst time ever for us to go through this.  Last night we did dinner and a movie to escape from reality for a while.

That’s the long and short of it right now.  It has been requested by valuable readers that I keep everyone in the loop as to where I end up, and I want to reassure you, I definitely will.  You guys are the best.

how being an only child has ruined my life.

I came to a difficult, yet honest realization this weekend as I lay in bed on Sunday, crying again over another ridiculous, un-met expectation that I had on the SM.  Being raised as an only child has ruined me for life. 

Things were always done for me; my messes cleaned up, my stresses diluted, my needs met unconditionally.  I asked for it and I got it, on my time schedule, my way. 

The hard but real truth is that no one I will ever meet the same level and devotion as my parents did.  No one else will ever drop their lives just for me or bear every last cross.  No one will take care of every last problem I have so altruistically as my parents have over the last 27 years.  But regardless of this, I inevitably hold everyone else I meet up to these unrealistic standards.  Inevitably, I come off as the spoiled brat who is never satisfied.  No one else is every doing their share.  No one makes me feel special.

I know that it’s no one’s fault.  My parents did the best they could and I did the best I could.  But how, after some therapy and some introspection, do you eliminate the effects of a solo-flight childhood after habitually feeding this disappointing cycle for 27 years? 

This is the next question to cover with the Shrink.  This could be the breakthrough that I have needed all my life.  I know it’s a fact about my upbringing that I, obviously, have always been aware of, but sometimes it takes saying it out loud to really hear it.  Being an only child, in a lot of ways, has really affected my life in negative ways.  Of course, it helped foster creativity and imagination and the ability to enjoy alone time and independence.  I AM self-reliant on a variety of things.  But as far as relationships are concerned, I know for a fact that I expect more from people the the average person.  And I know I have caused disagreements, fights and full-on blow-outs resulting in break-ups because of it.

I do not regret leaving the relationships I have moved on from the past in the slightest but I made the decision a year and a month ago that I wanted to be with my SM for as long as he’ll have me.  I don’t want to leave or get left again….ever.  I know if I make some changes and help myself out that there isn’t anyone better for me.  He has his demons too, but all I can do is help myself and be the best AshPash I can be.  Besides, I have a feeling if the cycle of dysfunction that I am directly responsible for can stop, that will improve our relationships and my life in general, dramatically. 

Here’s to making a big step in the right direction to quick sabotaging my relationships and success. 

stream of consciousness…

Campbell’s Soup at Hand Chicken with Mini Noodle, when cold, feels like already puked-up puke in your mouth.

 I can be a bad person if I let myself.

I am a good person most of the time though.

Life is rarely fair.

Twitter is kinda cool.

American Idol is on tonight! 

David Cook is the man!

Are the guys gonna play ball tonight? 

My throat hurts.   Am I getting sick again?

I need to find the SM’s old blackberry.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr. Pepper.  Seriously.

I have great friends.

I have a great family.  Make that a TOTALLY BOSS family.

It’s almost time to go!  Couch or bleachers tonight?  We shall see!

child rearing and future sanity.

A good friend of mine down here emailed me this morning about some derision that is going on in her home as of late, so this got me thinking and rambling, somewhat articulately…so I thought I’d share.  It was all about upheaval and its effect on how we live our lives, regarding ourselves and even our chidren.

Upheaval is definitely digested and dealt with in a variety of ways…dictated a lot even by the age of the person.  Babies cry.  Tweens and teens act out in school/against parents…and people at the quarter-life crisis timeframe have spouses and ourselves to fight against.  We all do the best we can, but its something that we all face.  One’s wit’s end is not a fun place to be, but there isn’t one of us who hasn’t been there before.

Regarding the birth and nurturing of the AshPash and how it relates:  While my dad “was around” in the way that my parents weren’t divorced, there was a lot of time in my childhood that I had just with my mom, me and her.  My dad would go to work before I got up for school in the morning and get home right before bed.  I know it was hard for my mom to strike the balance between friend/confidant and mother/disciplinarian.  I know that inner turmoil for her affected our relationship today and my relationship with others now. 

I have daddy issues so I have a genuine fear of abandonment that rears its ugly head sometimes.  I was an only child so I like to be the center of attention a little more than the average bear.  But I know my parents did the best they could with the resources they have and I don’t fault them for that.

The implications of child birth and rearing on the future contributions of your offspring can be very overwhelming.  Though I don’t have kids, that is one of the reasons why I have abstained from making them.  That, and I prefer sending money on designer shoes over diapers.   

There was just a lot of talking and learning every experience that my mother had to discipline me.  I remember at one point, I told her to quit spanking me (very young, 4-5 or so) because it didn’t hurt long enough…like it wasn’t punishment enough.  (I was smart enough to know the psychology of reward and consequence, but not smart enough to shut my stupid mouth?)  I’d get spanked and be out in the yard again, riding my Big Wheel in 15 minutes.  I found that taking things away that I cared about worked well, but built a little resentment in me too.  I’m still mad about the time I got my phone taken and I was grounded for five weeks for being in a different yard, which both of my parents could see as easily as the yard I was supposed to be in.  I was 10 for Christ’s sake.

The best reason I EVER felt sorry and righted my ship for what I feel were the right reasons was because my mom took the time to explain why my actions were so upsetting to her.  She would say that she wanted a good life for me…that she KNEW how smart and talented I was and I could be anything I wanted if I just tried, so it hurt her when I didn’t.  It wasn’t guilt-based talk - it was only how she felt and how she saw it.  But I felt bad because I was letting her and my dad down.  I wasn’t living up to my potential or their expecations.  We had such a close relationship, that I felt responsible as a friend almost to keep up my half of the deal.  It was a lesson in our relationship…and in compassion and consequences beyond material things.

Now I can’t say for sure…quite yet…if that strategy works best in the long run.  Now that I don’t have parents to enforce their ideals and expectations on me, I have started forcing unrealistic expectations on myself and as a result, go to therapy and work through this “cycle of self-defeat” stuff I’ve posted about before.  I assume wherever mistakes I make are catastrophic…and overgeneralize each mis-step as a judgement on my character as a whole.  I’m constantly spending futile energy on thinking and being anxious about the future and have a real problem with being truly content and satisfied with my life.

So is that better than lowering my standards and accepting the status quo?  Living under the radar?  Settling for a life of entitlement and dependence on others, or God forbid, the government?  Hell if I know.  At this point, I’d prefer my road, just because I think it affects fewer people negatively in the long run.  I might hate myself, but at least I didn’t have a child at 15 or go to jail or something.  I think once we are raised and on our own to make decisions about this stuff alone with on ourselves to blame, we all get to choose the better of two evils in this life. 

Everyone, no matter their upbringing, is on this vast, long looping, forked spectrum of normalcy and sanity.  I am a firm believer that there is no “normal” or “sane”…I think it’s just a matter of who is doing the best job at keeping their life unaffected by every last detail from their past to enjoy the present as it happens and look optimistically towards the future.  And that takes some serious practice, considerable introspection, a lot of forgiving and patience from each other.  And often times, therapy. 

unfounded paranoia.

 

Since I don’t have the money for a full blown therapist right now, again, you wonderful folks, my readers, have been forced into the uncomfortable role of being my army of shrinks.  I will tell you, up front, however, that I do really appreciate it.

The older I get, the less secure I become.  I remember the days back in middle school and high school when I could give two shits about what anyone thought.  It was cool to be in marching band.  It was cool not to drink.  I was goofy, clumsy - and confident in myself.  The world was my oyster and I could have anything I wanted if I just reached out to grab it. 

Nowadays, I watch my every move and watch everyone else’s every move.  I don’t trust as easily and I catch myself assuming the worst.  If I don’t hear back, it’s because they’re mad.  If we aren’t talking about what I’m doing right, I am worried I am doing something wrong.  If there is no information, I assume it’s because someone is keeping the bad information from me. 

I am at a complete loss about what to do about this unfounded paranoia.  Time and again, it is proven that if something is wrong it will be brought up and if everything is fine, I should just keep going with the flow.  But regardless of that, it never seems to matter.  I catch myself assuming and snooping and making myself sick over the dumbest things.  I find myself needing and inordinate amount of approval and affirmation.  I find myself expecting more and more of people.  I overthink which makes me underproductive and counter-creative. 

Somehow I need to break this cycle.  Life is just about as perfect as it can realistically get for a human being on planet earth, yet it never feels that way.  When the relationship with the SM is good, then work is weird.  When I can tolerate work, the SM and I are at each others throats.  When those things are good, then I feel like a lousy daughter or friend.  I ned to make a change but I am not sure what it is.  I need a vacation from my brain.  But if I “leave”, where do I go?  And how do I not think about all the problems I left behind while I’m there? 

I’ve been trying to stick to this Tao book….really thinking about the mantras in there;  the idea that trying so hard takes away from the journey…that the way isn’t happiness but that happiness is the way.  That under all of our everyday thoughts and desires is the Tao…and that that Tao is infinitely powerful and happy.  Once we can meld ourselves with this energy, things will be prioritized, things like this will carry less meaning.

I just need to go on some retreat.  Something to recenter myself and refocus my energies.  Think about what’s important….pray and get into better habits.  I want to do web design during the day and invest in all the gear to get a karaoke business underway….and do that 3-4 nights a week or even for the occassional private party.  I’m tired of being micro-managed and judged for every last move I make.  I’m sick of logging my hours when I’m a salaried employee, and not really being given an explanation why.  I sick of being out of the loop, left out of decisions, being out of ideas and out of my mind.  I’m tired of feeling unfulfilled, part of the machine and that I am making no difference in the world around me. 

I feel like because I am so consumed with the now and the lack of communication there is around me, that I have lost my drive to contribute in any inspired way, in both professional and personal planes.  I come here everyday because my boss is more concerned that my butt is in my seat more than they expect me to really contribute in any productive way - when there isn’t anything I do here that I couldn’t do from home, 25 miles away.  Personally, it’s hard to tell your parents that the phone goes both ways and to tell your boyfriend that massages go both ways. 

In the past, I have made such an effort to really leave my thumbprint on things, to contribute and take some ownership, just to be shot down, over-proofed and criticized again…or left out of the decision-making process all together - or better yet, told my project isn’t a priority.  It’s difficult to muster up enthusiasm when you’re sweeping the deck of a sinking ship.