we have hijacked your baby.

I just got a junk mail that said, in the subject, “We have hijacked your baby.” WTF.

It says i owe them $50,000. I don’t have a baby.

Or $50,000.

Keep my baby. Assholes.

pop culture potpourri.

I am so sorry about being so completely mangled and MIA the last few days.  There has been a ton going on and no time to share about it.  I’ll first talk about some pop culture briefs then move on to what’s been going on in the 28269.

1)  Bernie Mac!  Holy shit man!  Fifty years old and taken from us by a mean bout of pneumonia?  That is terrible!  One of the Original Kings of Comedy and the Bernie Mac Show all the way to the Oceans’ movies, to Transformers last summer, he will certainly be missed.

2)  And Chef!  Isaac Hayes, epic R&B performer, Chef on South Park and renowned Scientologist passed away as well at 65!  I remembering hearing “Shaft” at a young age and thinking it was totally bad-ass and different than what I had heard before (being raised on Beach Boys and Beatles).  Another legend to be missed.  This only raises the question….who will be the third legendary black dude of the trifecta?  It always happens in threes with this stuff.  Was Morgan Freeman’s car wreck the first of the three, or is there another on its way?  James Earl Jones?  Is he next?

3)  Clay Aiken’s sperm recipient (*shudder) just had her/their baby this week.  Jaymes Foster, who evidently takes Claymate to a whole new level, having Parker Foster at 8:08 am on 8/8/08.  Sounds like the anti-Christ to me.

4)  Given the fact that I work in sports business, I won’t say such more than “GO USA!” regarding the Beijing Olympics.  Five golds and 21 total medals so far…suck it, world!  Otherwise, I don’t want to talk about nor hear anymore about the olympics and I want to fight anyone else who cares deeply about them.  I will come in your house and stab you with a javelin as you watch.

5)  John Edwards, former presidential hopeful, current political fuck-up, is officially a selfish, nasty slut of a man.  He always gave me a little bit of a creepy vibe, like he was too put together.  Now it’s just been proved.

ninja babies.

Did Angelina and Brad just give birth to their twins? PerezHilton.com is reporting that Ange might have popped out the 2 cutest babies ever born (next to Shiloh..and probably Suri) this morning. Given the fact that I saw Wanted this weekend as well and it was totally incredibly kick-ass and awesome….these twins are going to be world-class assassins too. I want to have smoking hot, ninja babies.

baby mcpash.

Over the last year, the SM and I hve talked about the potential of starting a family. We figured someday that we would want mini-me’s, but came to the consensus that for the time being, we were too young and unsettled (read: too selfish) to populating the world with tiny McPashes. But last night, we had a change of heart.

The SM mentioned last night that he is sure now that he wants to have children. With me. I was like WHAT?!?! Who are you? Not all that long ago, he was the perpetual bachelor, talking about eventual commitment but generally leaving things open and preferring to live more like Brangelina than TomKat…but now he wants to go all AshWentzday on me? Now he is suddenly ready to settle in and make babies? He said all he’d worry about is money, but he knew we would be good parents. I was like….all righty, chief. You aren’t worried that we drop inordinate amounts of non-expendable cash on ourselves? You aren’t worried that we aren’t married? You aren’t worried about the effect it will have on our social lives and the relationship between us? You aren’t worried about the 40+ pounds I am going to gain and how floppy and sad my titties are gonna get?

I mean, that is nice to hear. It’s some sort of security and the best thing a girl at this stage of the game can hear is that they are secure. But still. Where did this change of heart come from? One of his colleagues at work and his wife had a precious, healthy baby girl two weeks ago. I think he hears stories everyday and his heart is mush. I think he misses his niece back home in Cleveland. I think (though highly doubtful) he’s finally growing up and realizing that I’m not like anyone he’s dated before. I’m here for a long haul, I’m not a flake and when I say forever, I mean it. And at 35, I guess his biological clock is ticking too. He’s at the point where shitting or getting off the pot is a very appropriate metaphor for his life.

I can’t say it wasn’t a compliment and I didn’t appreciate hearing it, because it was and I did. With so much upheaval in life the last 5 years or so (break-up, moves, houses, jobs), it was a welcome conversation; don’t get me wrong. I had just gotten so caught in the mindset that I was going to have to wait for commitment and making a family of my own, that I was taken off guard.

Is this it? After just about everyone I have known tell me fabulous, romantic stories about getting engaged and planning their weddings, will I finally have the opportunity, sooner rather than later, to tell those stories of my own?

pregnant is the new black.

Whip-de-freakin-dah.

It was just reported today that Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, who supposedly just got engaged, are now expecting a little bun in the oven.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Getting knocked up but covering your premarital-sex-and-bastard-child-having ways by the big announcement of your engagement is SO the rage in Hollywood lately.  Everyone thought Beyonce and Jay-Z were the originators of this new fad sweeping the lands most rich and famous but PETS, it did not start there!  Just earlier this YEAR, Jamie Lynn Spears and that sad kid she got fucked by were considering the shotgun wedding.  What was the story with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden?  Didn’t they do something pretty similar?

If you ask me, the original gangsters that made this trend the hottest thing to hit Hollywood since plastic surgery were my very own parents.  They were already engaged, but a good 8 months before the wedding date, my mom was successfully sperminated.  They moved the wedding from June of 1980 to December 1979, when my mom was only about 2 months pregnant, rather than 8 and some change.  From that point on, the world would never be the same again, my friends.

So suck it Ashlee, Beyonce and all the rest of you famous, rich posers.  You are SO 27 years ago - and know that you aren’t “vintage”…you’re sad.  My parents were ballin’ on a budget before you were born.  Anyone can concieve out of wedlock, a whole race of trailer people in West Virginia* was forged on it…but can you raise a kid as bomb-ass as me?  I seriously doubt it.  For starters, Ashlee and Pete’s kid is going to have WAY worse hair.

*You know I love you West Virginia, with your…..outrageous highway tolls and……who am I kidding?  They are like the Amish.  No one in that whole state has anything more than broadcast TV, much less the internet to log on and read this apology.  It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Suck it, hilljacks!

jacob shea.

We went out last night with some friends to Dave and Busters and had a fantastic time.  Got some good food and good laughs as we talked, gamed and also had the opportunity to make babies.  No, not that kind of baby.  But a FotoMorph baby.  Meet….appropriately named after Jacob’s Field and Shea Stadium, Jacob Shea!

Mommy and Daddy look like they just got arrested for the meth lab in their garage, with a side of domestic disturbance…but little Jakey looks like a heartbreaker, even at 2 years old!  It also unfortunately looks like I dressed him like an Amish before the state took custody.  Not too shabby though.  Get ready class of 2030!  Daddies, lock up your daughters - Jake is on the loose!

ok. well it’s one of two things.

I’ve been doing a little research in the wake of me being a raving lunatic with my poor boyfriend and a generally cruel, compassionless person in general as of late.

I have narrowed down my affliction to two conditions.  Depression.  Or pregnancy. 

Textbook Depression Symptoms I Have:  Moods, sadness, lack of motivation, headaches at times, changes schedule or flow in menstruation (due to stress), changes in diet (comfort eating) which can result in weight change, fatigue and the need for more sleep, stomach issues.

Textbook Pregnancy Symptoms I Have:  Moods, sadness, lack of motivation, headaches at times, changes schedule or flow in menstruation (due to Peanut partaking in my nutritiousness), changes in diet (eating for two?) which can result in weight change, fatigue and the need for more sleep, stomach issues.  Oh yeah.  And I the SM and I practice the activity that makes babies.  Duh.

Wow, thanks for making two things so totally clear cut.  WTF.  I am not totally sure how to digest either of these. I’ll have to update you once I find out which one I need to worry about.  Until then, I am not going to freak out either way.  I have a few calls into therapists and when I have the car tomorrow, I’ll get a pregnancy test and figure this out once and for all. 

PS:  Does anyone else think that the similaries of these two afflictions are a little ironic?