Don’t get me wrong, this is a sad story and it’s never a happy report when someone dies, but Dave Freeman, the co-author of “100 Things To Do Before You Die” died from blunt head trauma from falling in his home. He was 47.
Sorry. It just struck me as a little ironic. Turns out, Dave had accomplished about 50 of the 100 “things” before he passed away, while he and his co-author together had accomplished almost all 100. Rest in peace, friend. Start on “the 100 Things You Should Do In Heaven”.
As I marched through Drudge Report this morning, I saw this nice little tidbit out of Atlanta today:
http://apnews.myway.com/article/20080819/D92LKD300.html
“Two researchers on a quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot say that the carcass encased in a block of ice - handed over to them for an undisclosed sum by two men who claimed to have found it - was slowly thawed out, and discovered to be a rubber gorilla outfit.”
You can keep reading about the “discovery” and be irritated that our tax money is spent on Big Foot and Sasquatch Conservancies and Research agencies around the country. Somehow I feel this type of finding easily justifies the use of my expendable income on hookers and blow and whatever-the-hell-else I want. It just reminds me how much I deserver and need some Jimmy Choos and a new Coach bag.
“Within the next hour of thaw, a break appeared up near the feet area. As the team and I began examining this area near the feet, I observed the foot which looked unnatural, reached in and confirmed it was a rubber foot.”
The idea that anyone spent more than 10 minutes tops (maybe 15 minutes, if they had smoked -like- 8 joints) peering at this monkey suit through a layer of ice baffles me. Sometimes I feel like I am doing work that doesn’t have a lot of meaning behind it, but seriously. How sad are these “scientists”?
The only thing more baffling-slash-sad than the waste of our tax money and the amount of man-hours put into researching these things is the fact that I have written two blog posts in a matter of a month or so about big foots (feets?)….yikes.
…Moving on….
To follow up what I hate about the olympics, this my friends, is what I love. Spain’s olympic basketball team. Brilliant.
Every year before 2008, when the Olympic Games have taken the world by storm, I have been captivated by the naive, utopian ideals of friendly competition and rarely-otherwise-displayed patriotism that envelopes our planet. Everyone from pole to pole, from one hemisphere to the next, seems galvanized towards the same goals and seems to have put their national interests second to the world’s in a refreshing, renewing, promising charge for the next few years.
But this year is entirely different. Let me give you the top three reasons why I hate the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
1) “National Interest.” It was reported this morning, by the Chinese Government themselves, that the little girl who was chosen to sing the Chinese National Anthem for the opening ceremonies was actually standing off stage, while another girl got to lip synch it in front of billions. Why? Because the girl with the good voice wasn’t cute enough and the Chinese Government felt that it was in the “best National Interest” to have a cuter little girl front and center, to make the country look better. Did they not think that this information coming out about their decision to go with the cuter little girl would make their country look worse? Its one thing to fuck with grown people, but a nine-year-old girl? How could she feel about herself? Well, let me take that back. I imagine she feels pretty damn good considering she is a female and wasn’t drowned in a river 2 days after she was born. This must feel like a hangnail in comparison.
2) The French. I’d really like to converse with them as little as possible and stick to our sides of the world, kthnxbai. Despite everything we could have done for them in the past, rebuilding them after wars and the like, they still have arrogant pricks like the rabbit-toothed, horse-faced Alain Bernard on their swimming team that think that they have any chance whatsoever against Michael Phelps. Maybe you forgot that just a few decades ago, God himself and a magical fish made a baby and it came out of Mama Phelps’ womb and she called it Michael. Eat your crepes – you sad-excuse-for-pancake-having-muthafuckas. And shave your armpits for Christ’s sake.
3) The Chinese Government. These red commie bastards not only relegated little ugly singer girl to backstage because of her Miss July appearance on jackedupgrills.com, but also refused Joey Cheek, a former American gold medalist from coming into the country because he wanted to raise awareness about the situation in Darfur. Additionally, these assholes also made hundreds of people move out of their Beijing homes with no compensation up to five years ago to build a monstrosity of a shopping center for the Olympics; stores people cannot get to without tickets to the Games, which is a majority of the people in Beijing. Not to mention, the air is like Lousiana swamp water that is so stagnant with smog that athletes actually fear for their own performance capability and, frankly, safety. Asthma is running rampant along with various other lung issues. On top of all of these ridiculous examples, to protest any injustice or conflict, you have to fill out a form and lodge it with the government and only then can you protest in certain areas, two days later. “I understand that you are angry and you are more than welcome to protest in our designated areas; we are sensitive to your strife. Here, fill out this form. You have to protest within your own house, and it shall not reach a pitch over a whisper…or we cut off your hand. Oh, you want to protest about getting kicked out of your house with no compensation or even a FEMA trailor to cuss us out in? Suxxorz! LULZ! Go China!”
In all honesty, there are some good things about the Olympics. Conceptually, there are a lot of communication opportunities between international leaders and you can’t take away the fact that it’s a chance for America to display its radical awesomeness and kickassery again on a global scale. But when reality sets in, Beijing is dirty, communism sucks and the Chinese hate ugly people. Moral of the story: Bob Costas may be a douche bag, but America rules, Michael Phelps is the second coming and…America Rules.
I am so sorry about being so completely mangled and MIA the last few days. There has been a ton going on and no time to share about it. I’ll first talk about some pop culture briefs then move on to what’s been going on in the 28269.
1) Bernie Mac! Holy shit man! Fifty years old and taken from us by a mean bout of pneumonia? That is terrible! One of the Original Kings of Comedy and the Bernie Mac Show all the way to the Oceans’ movies, to Transformers last summer, he will certainly be missed.
2) And Chef! Isaac Hayes, epic R&B performer, Chef on South Park and renowned Scientologist passed away as well at 65! I remembering hearing “Shaft” at a young age and thinking it was totally bad-ass and different than what I had heard before (being raised on Beach Boys and Beatles). Another legend to be missed. This only raises the question….who will be the third legendary black dude of the trifecta? It always happens in threes with this stuff. Was Morgan Freeman’s car wreck the first of the three, or is there another on its way? James Earl Jones? Is he next?
3) Clay Aiken’s sperm recipient (*shudder) just had her/their baby this week. Jaymes Foster, who evidently takes Claymate to a whole new level, having Parker Foster at 8:08 am on 8/8/08. Sounds like the anti-Christ to me.
4) Given the fact that I work in sports business, I won’t say such more than “GO USA!” regarding the Beijing Olympics. Five golds and 21 total medals so far…suck it, world! Otherwise, I don’t want to talk about nor hear anymore about the olympics and I want to fight anyone else who cares deeply about them. I will come in your house and stab you with a javelin as you watch.
5) John Edwards, former presidential hopeful, current political fuck-up, is officially a selfish, nasty slut of a man. He always gave me a little bit of a creepy vibe, like he was too put together. Now it’s just been proved.
the morning show the SM and I listen to in the morning had Mo Rocca on this morning, interviewing about popular culture, current events and the like. You have seen Mo Rocca on “I Love the ’80s”, Best Week Ever and originally, on the Daily Show.
Above is a link to the hilarious, and smart Mo Rocca’s blog that will somehow have you in stitches and seriously thinking about the state of the nation simultaneously. Question of the day: When you complete your meal in a crowded restaurant and you have to awkwardly shuffle between tables to leave, do you prefer to put your ass in your neighbor’s food as you walk by, or your crotch? Would you prefer your neighbor’s crotch or ass? Give his blog a read and enjoy.
At this point in the season, our normally beloved Cleveland Indians are fourteen games out of first place in their division. With the 4th worst record in all of Major League Baseball, the Tribe is competing against Seattle, Washington and San Diego for the lowest winning percentage for 2008. They are currently dealing with an eight-game losing streak on the road, headed to Detroit. On the heels of the announcement of CC Sabathia leaving for Milkwaukee and with 4 of the most integral Indians players on the DL (Hafner, Martinez, Carmona and Westbrook), what do Mark Shapiro and the rest of the front office at Progressive Field have in mind to pull the Tribe out of the proverbial gutter?
The SM, while being a fan all 35 years of his life, has been relegated to rooting for his National League favorites, the Mets and the Dodgers, as to not tarnish his allegiance to his American League Indians. I’ve started rooting for the Phillies, mainly because I like their uniforms, partly because Chase Utley and Ryan Howard are so good – and I root for cute first basemen. Milwaukee’s in the mix now, however, since CC has been traded there and they are actually in contention. CC, being drafted and nurtured in the American League system, has always loved to hit, so a National League team might fit him well. I always liked CC. He was probably in my Top 5 Indians I’d make the nasty with. I don’t blame him, in some ways, for testing the water and going to where it makes the most sense for him. I’ll still miss his cuddly cheeks and crooked hat though. CC was a pimp and a good dude.
I am just depressed that we have to watch our dear Indians twirl down the toilet drain with one mighty flush from the front office, injuries and Cleveland’s epically terrible karma. What did we do to the rest of the world to deserve such under-performance? Our fucking river already caught on fire and we raised Jeffrey Dahmer – give us a break! Ohio sucks enough already! With trades, the DL and a general feeling of aloofness in the locker rooms peppering “The Birthplace of Aviation”, it just breaks our hearts.
Last year, we were one game away from going to the World Series for the first time in a decade; potentially poised to win it after a 59 year drought. Bron-Bron took us to the finals. The Buckeyes were in the Natonal championship. The Browns made it to the playoffs for the first time since the invention of football! Now, what is there to look forward to for the Cleveland Indians baseball club..and even in Ohio sports in general? Where do we turn? First, Art Modell takes our Brownies to Baltimore, then LeBron talks about how much be loves the Big Apple…now CC Is packing his bags.
I can’t root for the Panthers, guys. The Bobcats are perennially one of the worst teams in the NBA and we don’t have a Major League baseball team anywhere in the Carolinas. (Besides - enough with the wild cat names! Bobcats? Panthers? SHIT. Even the one fucking college within 150 miles of us, Davidson, who made it to the NCAA Torunament are WILDCATS!) College football isn’t even a big to-do! Step it up, Shapiro, Lerner and…Usher! I love the south, but when it comes to sports, I am Ohio girl, through and through. Don’t make me break the bond that I have worked so hard to foster for the last 28 years. Renew my faith in the Great White North so I can keep annoying native Carolinians with my nasal accent and aggravating passion for sports and conferences/divisions they don’t care about!
Potty Break: As I returned from the bathroom I walked down the hallway and encountered a man with a newspaper in his hand. He entered the men’s room. That’s just something I didn’t want to imagine today.
Stairway to Heaven?: As I turned the corner, an individual with long, frizzy blonde hair approached the building to enter through the lobby. Was it Robert Plant? I studied further. Nope, it had a skirt. No chance of a celebrity encounter today.
You win so you can live!: Due to my lack of depth perception, I am living in a Japanese game show; an obstacle course in which I must survive. A world full of fast-approaching cars and moving stairs; questionable decisions in traffic and bruised palms.
Coke Zero: SO good.
He’s GREEEAT: Tiger Woods won the US Open with not only a bum knee…but a torn ACL, and 2 fractures in his fucking tibia. I used to think that Tiger was a bitch for throwing his clubs and whining about a lot of things. But now he’s my hero.
On another Tiger note - I know he’s only half black, but Tiger’s daughter Sam is REALLY white, isn’t she? You’d at least think she’d be kind of…Italian looking or something.
Vegas, Baby, Vegas: The SM’s fam is getting into town tonight for Charleston next week. He got to Daniel Island last night almost without a hitch; I guess he missed one street sign, but I talked him through it. He found out this morning his next training is in Vegas in September. I texted back that I am going to make it rain in the Palomino, and on his lunch break, we could go to the Little White Wedding Chapel and get hitched. It’s just for T-Mosexuals, but the SM said we should definitely look into a ticket for me since I have never been. Sounds good to me. I am definitely up for seeing the Beatles’ Cirque show and just seeing what it’s like in person.
Lonesome Road: I kinda miss the SM. He’s gone one day and it’s kind of sad. We don’t spend a lot of time apart and while it’s nice to have the house to myself for spurts of time, the noises in the dark get louder and I have to walk the dog. I don’t have a warm, furry leg up against mine in bed at night. I don’t have anyone urging me to get out of bed in the morning…saying, “Baby…it’s time to get up!” at 6:40 when I should have been up at 6:15.
Thursday: Today is the longest day ever. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because my period is over and I need to get laid and no one is around to do it.
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