to everyone except the people i like….an open letter.

I am not nearly as fucking retarded as you think.  I am a smart girl but you are putting way too much pressure on me.  I can’t do this much.  I can’t think about this much.  There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to muster up enough “give-a-fuck” to get this all done.

I am smart, gifted even…creative and valuable, but you are absolutely wasting it on minutia, redundancy and general bullshit.  I am a fine driver and am more self-less than you could ever imagine being.  I am burnt-out, miserable and find no passion or drive in my life to achieve anything more than this.  The more demands you give me, the less drive I feel to complete them.  I am never going to call enough, email enough, or pay close enough attention.  I am never going to work that many hours or care enough.  There will always be more important things in life to me than your money and your feelings so long as my money and my feelings exist.  If you are this self-important, I have every right under the power of God on this green Earth to tell you to screw yourself and make myself important for once.

xoxo,

me

sad news.

The wonderful, talented, crotchety old angel from Golden Girls, Estelle Getty, died today at the ripe old age of 84:

Read about it here.

Sophia Petrillo will always live in our hearts; she’ll live in mine as really, one of my favorite characters from 1980’s sitcoms, without a doubt, along with ALF, Rudy Huxtable and Woody from Cheers. She had actually won 2 Emmys for her portrayal of the witty Sophia during golden Girls run from 1985-1992.  I plan to pour one drink out over the lanai while I wear a moo-moo tonight in honor of our dear, deceased homie.

i am infinitely cool.

…and you should all be nice to me.

Shit, what do I care if you’re nice….I’m famous now bitches! CNN.com contacted me to contribute to their article from a simple Twitter post about how exhausted I was from staying up until 3:30 to see The Dark Knight last night. You might laugh at my nerdy, pathetic social networking web applications - but look who’s laughing now.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Movies/07/18/dark.knight.opens/index.html

morning quote

I got a dozen donuts for the troops here today…and so did the intern.  The managing editor, and boss man said, “Nice effort, Spencer, but you only get a participation ribbon. Ashleigh wins..because she didn’t bring any donuts with fruit in them. What is that, blueberry? It’s a donut.  I don’t want fruit in my donut.”

I’m feeling rather obsequious today.

while i’m ranting…

fuck xbox, fuck mass effect.  fuck aliens.  fuck loud guns. 

that is all.  time to play some softball.

good news: the job hunt update.

Hey everyone. Sorry I have been so neglectful.  It’s been a busy few days around here at Chez AshPash.  Yesterday morning, I had a shadowing experience with the folks that I interviewed with last week.  I hung out with the person whose position I’d be taking over (he got moved laterally) and I think it went well.  Got to learn some of their internal programs, some of tne processes, some of the pros and cons of the position, pretty much right off the bat.  It was the best way to get an idea for the position given the fact that it is such a fluid, flexible position that has so many random responsibilities. 

Finally working in a start-up environment has worked to my advantage.  All those years of writing out electricity bills, doing tech support for my colleagues, AND doing the website all the the same day has proved profitable!  The loved the idea that I thrive in a self-starting environment and hate being micro-managed. 

After the shadowing yesterday, I asked the individual I was shadowing what the next step was.  And he said he didn’t know.  The big boss men were out of town and he didn’t know if there were more people coming in or what they were thinking about a start date or next steps.  That didn’t exactly put me at ease.  I knew I was qualified and that things went well, but with vague answers like that, I didn’t know what to expect.

This morning, as I sleeped off Pumpkin’s snoring last night (it’s really outstanding how much like an old man she is), I got a text from my old boss at the vacuum joint.  He said that he gave me a great reference and thought that future boss-man was definitely impressed with me and thought I’d be getting an offer.  After yesterday’s shadowing and the answers from current person in the position, that sounded great but I was still going to wait for the word from the horse’s mouth. 

As I wrote here, updating you on the situation, the phone rang.  It was Future Boss Man.  He asked if I had any more questions about the position and asked me how shadowing went yesterday.  I said I thought it went very well.  I’d have some issues coming up to speed on the limited HMTL I’d have to be doing, but otherwise, it’s all stuff I can learn.  I am a smart girl.

I said the only question I had really was what the next steps were. 

He said I’d have an offer in my inbox by end of business today.  Salary, start date, benefits, everything lined out.  I just have to holler back with any question and sign on!  So…before I know it, I might be the online manager for a world renowned sports business publication. 

I’ll have more updates as they come in!  Thanks for all the love and support and patience with me.  I wasn’t freaking out at first, and as the month rolled on without a solid lead, it was getting a little hairy and depressing around the crib.  The SM has been incredibly patient and awesome through it all, but neither of us have enough patience to wait for water to boil much less wait for me to get a job.  As much as I enjoyed watching Food Network and sleeping until 11, you can’t exactly make a living at that shit.  As lazy as I can be, I can be very self-starting and hardworking too. 

So the next few days, I’m not doing shit.  Because starting Monday (I assume) it’ll be back to hard worker AshPash).  I want full on bed sores from my couch and my hair to part in the back where I have laid and not moved for days.  I want to peel my clothes off because they are stuck to my nasty self.  Then I want to make lots of money.

UPDATE: my couch.

Getting the hair did and suiting up for two interviews today.  Wish me luck.  I need to be cured of my unemployment soon or I’ll feel terminal, I swear. I’ve enjoyed the week off and have gotten crazy amounts of work done.  But this couch is getting the best of me and honestly, after this week, I never want to see it again.  It’s been traded around the family and moved about 5-6 times….it’s definitely worse for wear and it’s little stains, lost threads and stretching seams remind me of a Rascal-riding 450 pounder up at the China Buffet.  Use a clean plate for every trip to the buffet, for Christ’s sake.  I want to take my couch to the gym and get it on a treadmill…but alas; it has no legs.  Just remnants of lost drips of salsa, a bite out of the leg from my mother’s dog, a splash of cranberry juice, and a big divot where my ass makes its home.

I have taken myself and I’m down to 141 as of today…so 4 pounds in a week was good.  I think some of it was water weight from that miserable btich Aunt Flo that has been in town.  Part of it has been my due diligence and choice to drink water instead of coke everyday.  And the huge influx of salads into my belly.

Here’s to about 10 more.  And heres to me getting a job this beautiful sunny Friday.

 

UPDATE:  Interview 1 is over.  They liked me, they really liked me!  We’ll see if I get an offer…but it is looking good!

i am turning into britney.

Not a proper bathing suit.

Yesterday afternoon, the SM and I went to the mall to get out of the house for a few hours and I decided to try on a few bathing suits to get some ideas for Charleston.  We leave on June 21 so I need to start thinking on terms on what I need to take and how much more I need to work out.

The trip to the store ended in a little crying episode in the dressing room and the difficult realization that my physique is almost spot-on to Britney Spears, circa crying spell on Mulholland/head shaving incident of 2007.    The only thing I am missing is a carton of Marlboro Reds, a few ill-advised tats, a fistful of cheese curls and a Mountain Dew.  I’m 5′6″ and weigh 145.  My arms are ok….my calves are fine.  Somehow it has all settled between my tits and my knees in a big Jabba-like mound of festering weirdness.  My muffin top rivals only Panera at this point.

Maybe that’s not “fat”, maybe you wish you weighed 145.  But if you were 145, you’d wish you weigh 130.  And if you were 130 you’d wish you’d weigh 120.  It’s American culture.  It’s being a woman.  It’s PMS.  That’s how it is when you could eat anything you wanted your whole life and weigh 120.  Until now.  Fuuuuuuuck.

So last night, after the scene at the mall, and a quick stop at Bed Bath and Beyond for a laundry drying rack, we came home and I headed to the gym and blew out about 45 righteous minutes of cardio and another 30 minutes of weights and abs.  I came home and had a piece of swordfish over the top of a salad.  I had a bag of popcorn and a glass of cranberry juice for a snack while we watched Batman Begins.  Luckily, Katie Holmes didn’t get naked at any point, so I didn’t feel so bad about my body the rest of the night.

This morning…..egg white omelet (with a little tomato, mushroom and cheese), cup of coffee with a little soy milk (helps with my self-diagnozed lactose intolerance) and Splenda…and a piece of seriously awesome whole grain toast.  I’ve washed the dog, got everything together for the SM’s title application for his car and I’m getting to talk to you guys. I am motivated more than ever.  Every girl needs a good cry in the dressing room of a store to get her back on the treadmill.  It took one in 2002 when I got out of college, and it took one last night.  I weighed 120 in high school and looked very little different than I do today.  While 25 lbs is not healthy or feasible in a month, I think 15 would do for Charleston.

Here is my before picture.  One June 20, I’ll share with you my after shot. 

Check out my shamrocks…and my pot(belly) of gold.  I <3 Scrabble!

Official Weigh In for May 19, 2008:  143.

Goal for June 21, 2008:  130.

In the meantime, I will spend my time away from the refrigerator by applying for more jobs, waiting in line at the DMV and watching Food Network.  I am delighted that watching Mario Batali’s eggplant parmesan isn’t nearly as fattenting as eating it. 

a truly blessed day.

On this day, 33 years ago, the delicious, sexy slab of man meat we call David Beckham was born in London, England. I wasn’t alive yet, but I am pretty fairly confident God came down from upon his throne and personally touched David saying, “This is my son, I am well pleased,” just like he did for his other Chosen Son.  According to my calculations, David Beckham is just behind Jesus in my short list of favorite guys of all time.

Happy birthday, mate. 

my own iron man.

Separated at birth:  “Iron Man”, actor Robert Downey Jr. and…my hot-ass SM.

I knew when I originally saw the trailer for “Iron Man” I wanted to see it for some Godforsaken reason.  Then it came to me.  I wanna get naked with Robert Downey Jr!  The salt and pepper hair, the scruff, the chiseled features, the slightly smaller stature and bad-boy history….he’s my boyfriend minus the coke habit and less sideburn action! 

“Iron Man” debuts in theatres tomorrow, tonight at midnight in select theatres for massively nerdy geeks out there (I’m talking to you, Patrick).  For those not as “hip” (I use the term “hip” loosely) to the Marvel comic, Tony Stark (Downey Jr.), genius billionaire, gets kidnapped and forced to make some WMDs.  Homeboy says eff you guys and builds the Iron Man suit to escape his captors.  Ooh, that sounds so…daring and sexy.  Plus, by the gallery on the website, I can tell somebody’s been working out…..rar.  C’mere tiger.  Mama’s gonna make you her Iron Man.