viva espana!

To follow up what I hate about the olympics, this my friends, is what I love.  Spain’s olympic basketball team. Brilliant.

review: why i hate the olympics.

Every year before 2008, when the Olympic Games have taken the world by storm, I have been captivated by the naive, utopian ideals of friendly competition and rarely-otherwise-displayed patriotism that envelopes our planet. Everyone from pole to pole, from one hemisphere to the next, seems galvanized towards the same goals and seems to have put their national interests second to the world’s in a refreshing, renewing, promising charge for the next few years.

But this year is entirely different. Let me give you the top three reasons why I hate the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

1) “National Interest.” It was reported this morning, by the Chinese Government themselves, that the little girl who was chosen to sing the Chinese National Anthem for the opening ceremonies was actually standing off stage, while another girl got to lip synch it in front of billions. Why? Because the girl with the good voice wasn’t cute enough and the Chinese Government felt that it was in the “best National Interest” to have a cuter little girl front and center, to make the country look better. Did they not think that this information coming out about their decision to go with the cuter little girl would make their country look worse? Its one thing to fuck with grown people, but a nine-year-old girl? How could she feel about herself? Well, let me take that back. I imagine she feels pretty damn good considering she is a female and wasn’t drowned in a river 2 days after she was born. This must feel like a hangnail in comparison.

2) The French. I’d really like to converse with them as little as possible and stick to our sides of the world, kthnxbai. Despite everything we could have done for them in the past, rebuilding them after wars and the like, they still have arrogant pricks like the rabbit-toothed, horse-faced Alain Bernard on their swimming team that think that they have any chance whatsoever against Michael Phelps. Maybe you forgot that just a few decades ago, God himself and a magical fish made a baby and it came out of Mama Phelps’ womb and she called it Michael. Eat your crepes – you sad-excuse-for-pancake-having-muthafuckas. And shave your armpits for Christ’s sake.

3) The Chinese Government. These red commie bastards not only relegated little ugly singer girl to backstage because of her Miss July appearance on jackedupgrills.com, but also refused Joey Cheek, a former American gold medalist from coming into the country because he wanted to raise awareness about the situation in Darfur. Additionally, these assholes also made hundreds of people move out of their Beijing homes with no compensation up to five years ago to build a monstrosity of a shopping center for the Olympics; stores people cannot get to without tickets to the Games, which is a majority of the people in Beijing. Not to mention, the air is like Lousiana swamp water that is so stagnant with smog that athletes actually fear for their own performance capability and, frankly, safety. Asthma is running rampant along with various other lung issues. On top of all of these ridiculous examples, to protest any injustice or conflict, you have to fill out a form and lodge it with the government and only then can you protest in certain areas, two days later. “I understand that you are angry and you are more than welcome to protest in our designated areas; we are sensitive to your strife. Here, fill out this form. You have to protest within your own house, and it shall not reach a pitch over a whisper…or we cut off your hand. Oh, you want to protest about getting kicked out of your house with no compensation or even a FEMA trailor to cuss us out in? Suxxorz! LULZ! Go China!”

In all honesty, there are some good things about the Olympics. Conceptually, there are a lot of communication opportunities between international leaders and you can’t take away the fact that it’s a chance for America to display its radical awesomeness and kickassery again on a global scale. But when reality sets in, Beijing is dirty, communism sucks and the Chinese hate ugly people. Moral of the story: Bob Costas may be a douche bag, but America rules, Michael Phelps is the second coming and…America Rules.

pop culture potpourri.

I am so sorry about being so completely mangled and MIA the last few days.  There has been a ton going on and no time to share about it.  I’ll first talk about some pop culture briefs then move on to what’s been going on in the 28269.

1)  Bernie Mac!  Holy shit man!  Fifty years old and taken from us by a mean bout of pneumonia?  That is terrible!  One of the Original Kings of Comedy and the Bernie Mac Show all the way to the Oceans’ movies, to Transformers last summer, he will certainly be missed.

2)  And Chef!  Isaac Hayes, epic R&B performer, Chef on South Park and renowned Scientologist passed away as well at 65!  I remembering hearing “Shaft” at a young age and thinking it was totally bad-ass and different than what I had heard before (being raised on Beach Boys and Beatles).  Another legend to be missed.  This only raises the question….who will be the third legendary black dude of the trifecta?  It always happens in threes with this stuff.  Was Morgan Freeman’s car wreck the first of the three, or is there another on its way?  James Earl Jones?  Is he next?

3)  Clay Aiken’s sperm recipient (*shudder) just had her/their baby this week.  Jaymes Foster, who evidently takes Claymate to a whole new level, having Parker Foster at 8:08 am on 8/8/08.  Sounds like the anti-Christ to me.

4)  Given the fact that I work in sports business, I won’t say such more than “GO USA!” regarding the Beijing Olympics.  Five golds and 21 total medals so far…suck it, world!  Otherwise, I don’t want to talk about nor hear anymore about the olympics and I want to fight anyone else who cares deeply about them.  I will come in your house and stab you with a javelin as you watch.

5)  John Edwards, former presidential hopeful, current political fuck-up, is officially a selfish, nasty slut of a man.  He always gave me a little bit of a creepy vibe, like he was too put together.  Now it’s just been proved.

wednesday quick hits.

If Corey Feldman wasn’t the biggest douche on earth before now, he’s solidified his title.

The AL won the All Star Game!  Cliff Lee looked great and I got my fill of my old-man crush, George Brett.

Studies show that the couple who plays together stays together.  It’s an important investment to go out and do fun things together that you can bot enjoy, to spend a little of your money on leisure.  The correlation is great, scientists are saying.  Well, no shit.  Why can’t my tax money go to other things?  Dues “fun” include porn?

The Pop Sugar Pop 100.  The most talked about, fussed about, gossiped about pop icons of the year.  #98 - Robert Downey Jr - My iron man.  #78 -Carrie Underwood.  #4?  Johnny Depp.  Find out the rest after the jump.

9 years ago today, in 1999, JFK Jr. and his wife, Carolyn Bessette…as well has her sister Lauren, crashed their plane off the coast of Martha’s Vineyard and perished.  In 1969, the Apollo 11 took off and in 4 days would become the first manned mission to land on the moon.

…And perhaps most importantly - a HAPPY birthday to Michael Flatley of Riverdance fame!

gutter ball.

At this point in the season, our normally beloved Cleveland Indians are fourteen games out of first place in their division. With the 4^th worst record in all of Major League Baseball, the Tribe is competing against Seattle, Washington and San Diego for the lowest winning percentage for 2008. They are currently dealing with an eight-game losing streak on the road, headed to Detroit. On the heels of the announcement of CC Sabathia leaving for Milkwaukee and with 4 of the most integral Indians players on the DL (Hafner, Martinez, Carmona and Westbrook), what do Mark Shapiro and the rest of the front office at Progressive Field have in mind to pull the Tribe out of the proverbial gutter?

The SM, while being a fan all 35 years of his life, has been relegated to rooting for his National League favorites, the Mets and the Dodgers, as to not tarnish his allegiance to his American League Indians. I’ve started rooting for the Phillies, mainly because I like their uniforms, partly because Chase Utley and Ryan Howard are so good – and I root for cute first basemen. Milwaukee’s in the mix now, however, since CC has been traded there and they are actually in contention. CC, being drafted and nurtured in the American League system, has always loved to hit, so a National League team might fit him well. I always liked CC. He was probably in my Top 5 Indians I’d make the nasty with. I don’t blame him, in some ways, for testing the water and going to where it makes the most sense for him. I’ll still miss his cuddly cheeks and crooked hat though. CC was a pimp and a good dude.

I am just depressed that we have to watch our dear Indians twirl down the toilet drain with one mighty flush from the front office, injuries and Cleveland’s epically terrible karma. What did we do to the rest of the world to deserve such under-performance? Our fucking river already caught on fire and we raised Jeffrey Dahmer – give us a break! Ohio sucks enough already! With trades, the DL and a general feeling of aloofness in the locker rooms peppering “The Birthplace of Aviation”, it just breaks our hearts.

Last year, we were one game away from going to the World Series for the first time in a decade; potentially poised to win it after a 59 year drought. Bron-Bron took us to the finals. The Buckeyes were in the Natonal championship. The Browns made it to the playoffs for the first time since the invention of football! Now, what is there to look forward to for the Cleveland Indians baseball club..and even in Ohio sports in general? Where do we turn? First, Art Modell takes our Brownies to Baltimore, then LeBron talks about how much be loves the Big Apple…now CC Is packing his bags.

I can’t root for the Panthers, guys. The Bobcats are perennially one of the worst teams in the NBA and we don’t have a Major League baseball team anywhere in the Carolinas. (Besides - enough with the wild cat names! Bobcats? Panthers? SHIT. Even the one fucking college within 150 miles of us, Davidson, who made it to the NCAA Torunament are WILDCATS!) College football isn’t even a big to-do! Step it up, Shapiro, Lerner and…Usher! I love the south, but when it comes to sports, I am Ohio girl, through and through. Don’t make me break the bond that I have worked so hard to foster for the last 28 years. Renew my faith in the Great White North so I can keep annoying native Carolinians with my nasal accent and aggravating passion for sports and conferences/divisions they don’t care about!

today’s observations.

Potty Break: As I returned from the bathroom I walked down the hallway and encountered a man with a newspaper in his hand.  He entered the men’s room.  That’s just something I didn’t want to imagine today.

Stairway to Heaven?: As I turned  the corner, an individual with long, frizzy blonde hair approached the building to enter through the lobby.  Was it Robert Plant?  I studied further.  Nope, it had a skirt.  No chance of a celebrity encounter today.

You win so you can live!: Due to my lack of depth perception, I am living in a Japanese game show; an obstacle course in which I must survive.  A world full of fast-approaching cars and moving stairs; questionable decisions in traffic and bruised palms.

Coke Zero: SO good.

He’s GREEEAT: Tiger Woods won the US Open with not only a bum knee…but a torn ACL, and 2 fractures in his fucking tibia.  I used to think that Tiger was a bitch for throwing his clubs and whining about a lot of things.  But now he’s my hero.

On another Tiger note - I know he’s only half black, but Tiger’s daughter Sam is REALLY white, isn’t she?  You’d at least think she’d be kind of…Italian looking or something.

Vegas, Baby, Vegas: The SM’s fam is getting into town tonight for Charleston next week.  He got to Daniel Island last night almost without a hitch; I guess he missed one street sign, but I talked him through it.  He found out this morning his next training is in Vegas in September. I texted back that I am going to make it rain in the Palomino, and on his lunch break, we could go to the Little White Wedding Chapel and get hitched.  It’s just for T-Mosexuals, but the SM said we should definitely look into a ticket for me since I have never been.  Sounds good to me.  I am definitely up for seeing the Beatles’ Cirque show and just seeing what it’s like in person.

Lonesome Road: I kinda miss the SM.  He’s gone one day and it’s kind of sad.  We don’t spend a lot of time apart and while it’s nice to have the house to myself for spurts of time, the noises in the dark get louder and I have to walk the dog.  I don’t have a warm, furry leg up against mine in bed at night.  I don’t have anyone urging me to get out of bed in the morning…saying, “Baby…it’s time to get up!” at 6:40 when I should have been up at 6:15.

Thursday: Today is the longest day ever.  I don’t know what it is.  Maybe it’s because my period is over and I need to get laid and no one is around to do it.

news flashes.

There has been so much new popping up lately that there were a few fun stories I had to comment on. I know you aren’t coming here for hard news and facts, so I’ll try to make it as entertaining as possible.

Ed McMahon’s house is going to be foreclosed on. He has said that if you spend more than you make, this is what happens. Don’t you think he HAD to be somewhere in Johnny Carson’s will? And the real question…where is Publisher’s Clearing House when you need them? Bring Ed a check and some balloons! Shit! How long as Old Ed been pushing your bullshit sweepstakes.

P-Diddy makes himself a vodka lemonade cocktail and listens to James Brown while he waxes his own balls. He admits to this. Puffy, a bottle of Ciroc and some Sally Hansen? I’m all about keeping your naughty bits maintained…and there aren’t a lot of people out there who are going to appreciate some “organization” down there more than me. But a Vodka Lemonade cocktail? That’s prissy bro. Is he wearing a fuzzy monogrammed robe while he does it too? The first time I got my situation waxed, I brought a bottle of Patron Silver IN the room with me. Granted, my aesthetician was the first person to babysit me – when I was six months old, back in Strongsville – so there is a good level of trust and rapport there.

The Boston Celtics, after a 22 year drought, have won the NBA Finals! Congrats to the Celts for putting the Lakers in their place. Hi – Kobe can’t win championships. There is no KOBE in TEAM. We Clevelanders speak from experience. We know that one man on his own cannot win your city the NBA Finals. LeBron, while he might be one of the greatest players to ever step on a court, still needs a team around him. With KG at the helm, Paul Pierce being the unexpected dark horse and Ray Allen finally being able to compartmentalize his clusterfuck of a personal life from his professional performance, it was Boston’s to lose.

That’s about all I have time to go through right now. But I can recommend you to a few pages to get caught up on everything cool. Do your due diligence and get caught up for Christ’s sake. Slacker.

www.perezhilton.com
www.wwtdd.com
www.sportsbusinessdaily.com
jennpickett.wordpress.com

things you didn’t know about cliff lee.

If you didn’t know anything about Cliff Lee, he is one of the starting pitchers for the Cleveland Indians, and has a league-crippling ERA of .67.  He’s struck out 44 batters, while walking only 4.  He is 6 and 0 on the season and shows no signs of letting up. 

These are all common facts you can find about Cliff Lee if you google him or hit up ClevelandIndians.com.  However, there are some facts about Cliff Lee that aren’t so easy to find and aren’t so widely known  (thanks to the irreplaceable Chuck Norris for inspiration).

LeBron James wears Cliff Lee pajamas.

Cliff Lee doesn’t churn butter.  He pitches his fastball at cows and butter comes straight out.

If you spell Cliff Lee in Scrabble, you win.  Forever.

Jesus died for Cliff Lee’s sins.  The rest of us are going to Hell.

Cliff Lee struck out Chuck Norris.  With his eyes shut.  And both arms tied behind his back.

Cliff Lee shoots down terrorist planes by pointing his finger in the air and yeling, “Bang!”

Cliff Lee knows the last digit of pi.

For Cliff Lee, every street it one way.  HIS way.

Cliff Lee doesn’t bleed.  Though his veins corses liquid hot magma.

Cliff Lee knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. 

Cliff Lee makes girls come by readjusting the brim of his hat.

When Cliff Lee plays Monopoly it actually really affects the world economy.

In a fight between Spiderman, Superman and God, Cliff Lee would win.

Cliff Lee has oceanfront property in Arizona.  Shut the fuck up, George Strait.

Cliff Lee can blow bubbles with beef jerky. 

If you were coming here to get valuable information and some education today, lucky you.  I don’t know another blog ever, on Planet Earth where you can get more useful information, really.  You’re welcome. And GO TRIBE!

i am not a role model.

What is with the recent police blotter slapped all over the sports pages nowadays?  Just this weekend, Cedric Benson from the Chicago Bears got pulled over for DUI in a boat and resisting arrest.  Just a few days ago, Marvin Harrison from the Colts was somehow implicated in a shooting at his restaurant with a gun registered in his name.  Last week, Hall of Fame* pitcher Roger Clemens was uncovered as a statutory rapist.  Not long ago, Pacman Jones was busy making it rain in strip clubs.  And who can forget the big dog himself, Michael Vick, in his dogfighting scandal.

What happens to these freaks in the off-season where they think they are above the law?  I get it…they are all big kids who get to play the game they love for a living.  They are just grown men with the mentalities of little boys.  But don’t even 2-3 year old little boys comprehend the the notion of actions reaping consequences?  Honestly - why do half of them just take their perfect lives for granted.  God knows, if my job didn’t suck at life, I’d be grateful as shit.  Until then, I’m chained to my desk for eight hours a day, secretively blogging about what a total fucking douche Maurice Clarett, Ray Lewis, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson and everyone else is.

Read Cracked.com’s take on the Criminal Athlete Fantasy Draft and get a laugh.  Thank me later.

anybody got any ice?

Leg or hamhock?  Find out after the break!

So last night, we participated in the debacle of all debacles on the softball field.  The Charlotte Redbirds, already put in the wrong league mistakenly, in a league that doesn’t even properly post schedules so we know who or when we’re going to gets our asses handed to us took on another team of loud-mouthed shit-talkers again last night who took it to us for about 22 to 5 or something.  Because I don’t want to get into it, I’ll just say you had to be there.  The highlights?  Three people walking off the team, few people speaking to each other without yelling for the duration of the game, an ump with a very questionable strike zone who was actually rooting for the other team, a 15 year old illegally playing right field and two Pashes down for the count. 

The third baseman was at first, the pitcher was in left, the SM was at short and I was behind the plate.  No one was where they felt comfortable.  A throw was made from the outfield, home, for me to tag the runner making their way from third.  It was over my head, so I jumped and backed up slightly to try to make the play.  Mr. Runner then proceeded to run full speed into AshPash, knocking her to the ground in stop, drop and tweak-your-knee mode. 

At the time, it twinged, but I continued to play and run without problems.  I really was fine.  This morning however, when I leapt out of bed to start my joyous day (more like grumpily fell out, moaning and whining like a bitch) I realized my right leg was not down with me needing to pee.  At all.  I was hurting.   And as the day has progressed, I am getting more and more gimpy.  Each trip to the break room is pathetic.  I’ve had to pee twice and it makes me wish for a catheter.  I need something to wrap it with.  And some more Midol.

And to add insult to injury, the SM isn’t faring much better.  Because of the reorganization of positions, he was at short stop where he got cracked in the wrist on a bad hop and now has a fat thumb. 

At this point, the team is in disarray, the star catcher (moi) is injured, we lost players, we’re in the wrong divison and everyone is fed up.  Stay tuned for the future of the Redbirds.