review: why i hate the olympics.

Every year before 2008, when the Olympic Games have taken the world by storm, I have been captivated by the naive, utopian ideals of friendly competition and rarely-otherwise-displayed patriotism that envelopes our planet. Everyone from pole to pole, from one hemisphere to the next, seems galvanized towards the same goals and seems to have put their national interests second to the world’s in a refreshing, renewing, promising charge for the next few years.

But this year is entirely different. Let me give you the top three reasons why I hate the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

1) “National Interest.” It was reported this morning, by the Chinese Government themselves, that the little girl who was chosen to sing the Chinese National Anthem for the opening ceremonies was actually standing off stage, while another girl got to lip synch it in front of billions. Why? Because the girl with the good voice wasn’t cute enough and the Chinese Government felt that it was in the “best National Interest” to have a cuter little girl front and center, to make the country look better. Did they not think that this information coming out about their decision to go with the cuter little girl would make their country look worse? Its one thing to fuck with grown people, but a nine-year-old girl? How could she feel about herself? Well, let me take that back. I imagine she feels pretty damn good considering she is a female and wasn’t drowned in a river 2 days after she was born. This must feel like a hangnail in comparison.

2) The French. I’d really like to converse with them as little as possible and stick to our sides of the world, kthnxbai. Despite everything we could have done for them in the past, rebuilding them after wars and the like, they still have arrogant pricks like the rabbit-toothed, horse-faced Alain Bernard on their swimming team that think that they have any chance whatsoever against Michael Phelps. Maybe you forgot that just a few decades ago, God himself and a magical fish made a baby and it came out of Mama Phelps’ womb and she called it Michael. Eat your crepes – you sad-excuse-for-pancake-having-muthafuckas. And shave your armpits for Christ’s sake.

3) The Chinese Government. These red commie bastards not only relegated little ugly singer girl to backstage because of her Miss July appearance on jackedupgrills.com, but also refused Joey Cheek, a former American gold medalist from coming into the country because he wanted to raise awareness about the situation in Darfur. Additionally, these assholes also made hundreds of people move out of their Beijing homes with no compensation up to five years ago to build a monstrosity of a shopping center for the Olympics; stores people cannot get to without tickets to the Games, which is a majority of the people in Beijing. Not to mention, the air is like Lousiana swamp water that is so stagnant with smog that athletes actually fear for their own performance capability and, frankly, safety. Asthma is running rampant along with various other lung issues. On top of all of these ridiculous examples, to protest any injustice or conflict, you have to fill out a form and lodge it with the government and only then can you protest in certain areas, two days later. “I understand that you are angry and you are more than welcome to protest in our designated areas; we are sensitive to your strife. Here, fill out this form. You have to protest within your own house, and it shall not reach a pitch over a whisper…or we cut off your hand. Oh, you want to protest about getting kicked out of your house with no compensation or even a FEMA trailor to cuss us out in? Suxxorz! LULZ! Go China!”

In all honesty, there are some good things about the Olympics. Conceptually, there are a lot of communication opportunities between international leaders and you can’t take away the fact that it’s a chance for America to display its radical awesomeness and kickassery again on a global scale. But when reality sets in, Beijing is dirty, communism sucks and the Chinese hate ugly people. Moral of the story: Bob Costas may be a douche bag, but America rules, Michael Phelps is the second coming and…America Rules.

review: sara bareilles, maroon 5, counting crows

It has been a long while since the SM and I made it to a concert. Plans have fallen through and time just slips away and before you know it, it’s the summer concert season again and here we are. Last night, however, we were lucky enough to make it out to see Sara Bareilles, Maroon 5 and Counting Crows at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre here in Charlotte, and we were not disappointed.

We got there extra early to account for traffic, parking and attaining our tickets at will-call and made our way in as the doors opened at 6. We grabbed $31 worth of dinner and made our way to our seats to bake for a while until the sun until the opening act came out.

Sara Bareilles came out to a lukewarm reception, on a backdrop of drawings and minimal lights. Before we knew it however, she has launched into a handful of soulful, thoughtful songs from her first nationally distributed album, “Little Voice.” I have always been a fan of Sara’s music since her debut radio single “Love Song” dropped last fall and have always appreciated her songwriting skills. But seeing her in person has heightened by appreciation even more. Hearing songs like “Many the Miles” and “Gravity” (my favorite) live, renewed my passion for her album. “Morningside” kicked almost all of my ass. She even covered the Beatles’ “Oh Darling” and that is when the SM was sold. He didn’t care how gay he seemed, he was impressed with her vocal and instrumental chops. Bareilles was a knock-out opening act for the thieves of the show and one of my favorite bands on the scene right now, Maroon 5, getting prepared backstage.

I saw Maroon 5 about six or seven years ago at Bogarts in Cincinnati with a good girlfriend of mine and was absolutely blown away. At the time, “Songs About Jane” had just dropped and I still felt pretty boss for grabbing their album way before they were played on commercial, conglomerate radio. “Harder To Breathe” was just about the coolest shit I had heard in a long time and the rest of their debut album did not disappoint either. Needless to say, it was disappointing that Maroon 5 wouldn’t come out with another album for another 5 years after that, after I had fallen so deeply for the first disc. But as soon as “It Won’t Be Soon Before Long” his stores, I was there and it was worth every day of the wait. And the tour to celebrate it all was pretty mind-blowing as well.

Maroon 5 came out to their first single “Harder to Breathe” and started their segment of the concert off right. Playing the perfect mix of old and new, upbeat and slower tempo songs, Adam Levine’s sweet voice made the men want to be him and the women want to be with him. They got to all of their biggest singles, like “This Love”, “Sunday Morning” and “Makes Me Wonder”, but even dug a little deeper into what folks would have called B sides when there were such a thing. “Tangled” from their first album, with “Kiwi” from album number two took me back to riding around in my car after just unwrapping each album and slipping it for the first time into my car’s CD player.

Maroon 5’s own singles were trumped only by their epic, infinitely sexy cover of “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac. The instrumentation led one to believe that they would be kicking off “She Will Be Loved” (which came later) but the unexpected surprise topped the whole concert-going experience for me. A vocal that lent itself so well to Levine’s voice and sensuality matched by few other artists out there right now literally had me grasping my chest and fixating my eyes on the smoky, backlit stage and the tatted-up, swaying liquid sex singing into the microphone. I felt sexier for even attending.

Needless to say, musically, instrumentally, pyrotechnically – Maroon 5 knocked it out of the park. They remained one of my favorite live acts to this day, outshone only by people like Paul McCartney, Janet Jackson and the like – legendary artists. We didn’t know how the Counting Crows were even going to attempt to reach the magnitude of entertainment that Maroon 5 accomplished, but we had to stick around to see.

I have always liked a few Counting Crows songs (who doesn’t like “A Long December”?) and was looking forward to seeing a band I have never seen in person before, but unfortunately, it was kind of a bust. Adam Duritz seemed to be not entirely there and it was the band’s decision to play all songs that they haven’t played on this tour yet before. This made for a disappointing experience for someone who had never been to a Counting Crows concert and had to listen to the aforementioned B sides of albums that I had never bought when all they came to hear was “Mr. Jones”. The only songs I knew were “Rain King” and “Accidentally In Love” out of their hour long set and I consider myself pretty well versed in popular music.

Additionally, Duritz’ ankle had been injured in a previous show so an already manic, floppy frontman was diluted to a limping, dreadlocked mass of weeble-wobbling energy seemingly disconnected from and unrelated to the rest of the (stable, tight and talented) band.

I will give the guy credit though; I have never seen an artist put forth so much energy and emotion in their attempt to project their inner feelings through their music before. It was almost a draining experience as Duritz wove his tale of unrequited love, loneliness and pain. It’s not to say that through their set, I didn’t enjoy the music I was being subjected to. Just short of jam band caliber stuff, I appreciated the plethora of instruments (from mandolins to accordions) and lyrically, you can tell that they put a lot of thought and introspection into their songs. It was just impossible for me to participate given the fact that I had never heard any of these songs before. I wasn’t disappointed persay, but I wasn’t made a lifelong fan by any stretch either.

All in all, I’d give our concert experience at Verizon Wireless a solid A minus. Sara Bareilles was a pleasant surprise, Maroon 5, per usual, left us all wishing for more sweaty, audible sex and the Counting Crows got ne interested enough to download a few new songs into my iTunes. If this tour makes it to a town near you, I’d definitely suggest going, especially if you haven’t seen Sara Bareilles or are an avid fan of Maroon 5. If you are a Counting Crows fan, I’d suggest to save your money and wait for them to kick of the rust and plan their next tour.

review: pineapple express.

Due to the fact that we are the coolest people alive, the SM and I acquired some free, preview screening tickets to see “Pineapple Express” the other night. The trailers looked pretty funny, but we didn’t know if it was going to be a theatre or a rental situation. Judd Apatow has been cranking out movies like polygamist wives popping out brainwashed babies as of late; not all of them can be a hit. But with the free tickets, we didn’t have to make that life-altering decision. We headed out to the local AMC Theatre and got our watch on; it would definitely be worth the price of admission, right?

In “Pineapple Express”, Seth Rogen is Dale Denton, a guy who delivers subpoenas and the like to dead-beat dads, drug dealers and the like. In between his multiple disguises to trick people into letting him in to serve them their papers, he pretty much just sits out in his car and tokes inordinate amounts of weed. He employs a new drug dealer, Saul (played by James Franco) and befriends him after Saul hooks Dale up with the rarest of rare bud, the Pineapple Express. He opens up the bag and gives it a sniff – “It’s like God’s vagina,” he says.

Dale unfortunately gets the job to serve a subpoena to Saul’s supplier and as he drives out to the drug czar’s home (played by Gary Cole), he smokes a joint of the rare, divine ganj. As he pulls up, he hears gunshots as the czar and his cop girlfriend (Rosie Perez) are murdering the other drug family’s brother in the front window. Dale tosses the roach and gets the fuck outta dodge. However, due to his lack of skills while driving under the influence, Dale runs into a few cars and the drug czar and his girlfriend are suspicious that someone saw the murder. They are then hot on Dale and Saul’s tails when the czar finds the roach and realizes where it came from. Crazy action and hilarious antics ensue.

I am not exactly sure what the SM and I were expecting, but this movie absolutely exceeded it. If you are into stoner movies like Half Baked (“Abba Zaba, you’re my only friend!”), this is a movie for you. It is right up there in the annuls of great stoner movies, for me. But even as a former pot-head and just lover of great movies with quoteable lines and a nice message in the end, you don’t have to be high to enjoy it. Seth Rogen as Dale actually played the straight in this movie for a change and James Franco more than met the challenge of the hilarious role of Saul. Seeing Franco in a comedic role concerned us at first after seeing him in things like Spiderman, etc., but he absolutely owned it. However, the real thief of the show was Danny McBride who played Red, the middle man between the czar and Saul. His drug dealer wisdom and dry delivery made everyone in the theatre ask, “Who is this guy?” and ask for more. I just hope Judd Apatow and the guys in his circle use Danny McBride again. He tends to find new stars and rotate them in and out of lead roles (40 Year Old Virgin with Steve Carell begat Knocked Up with Seth Rogen, which begat Superbad with Jonah Hill…you get the picture).

Chock full of one-liners, sophomoric humor (but sophomoric in a good way) and genuine characters you can actually get invested in, it’s just as funny as Superbad, replacing the liquor with pot. Nobody in this movie is going to get an Oscar, but I have to say, I would have paid for my ticket, without a doubt. I’d give Pineapple Express a good 7.5 missiles, wolves and barracudas. It’s definitely a great summer no-brainer flick that you can appreciate without having to think too much.

review: the dark knight.

The SM and I met up Heidi and Patrick and admittedly, totally nerded it out; we saw the Dark Knight last night at midnight. Holy shit, my friends. It was brilliant.

I usually don’t care about comic book stories with all the suspension of disbelief and superpowers. Real life tends to be about as freaky enough as I can handle. But the Dark Knight met and exceeded all the hype.

Christian Bale was fantastic and mysterious as the charming millionaire Bruce Wayne. Maggie Gyllenhaal was smart, yet vulnerable and beautiful as Rachel Dawes. Aaron Eckhart’s transformation from the heroic, humble savior figure of Harvey Dent into the arbitrarily sick and violent Two-Face was shocking and convincing. But of course, everyone there paid to see the absolutely epic portrayal of Heath Ledger as the evil, bone-chilling Joker.

Quite simply, Heath Ledger was everything the critics said he would be; reaching a level of disturbing and creepy met by very few villains, if any, in the history of film. I would put Ledger’s portrayal in the same category as Anthony Hopkins’ Hannibal Lecter without a second thought. The Joker absolutely steals the movie, seemingly steals your soul with his sinister stares, and in my opinion, steals the summer. Even despite Ledger’s uncanny talent to completely envelop himself in the character of The Joker, you can somehow still sympathize with this psychopathic murdering criminal. It’s no surprise to hear that he took motivation from Sid Vicious (who had a life of debauchery, drugs… and untimely death in 1979) and the “ultra-violence” of Alex DeLarge from A Clockwork Orange. After seeing his depiction of the Joker, and knowing Heath’s method of acting, there is also no surprise that he would have been on the toxic mix of anti-depressants and sleeping pills that tragically took his life.

The plot wasn’t all about Batman, how so many comic book movies tend to be with all the exposition and explanation of his grossly extravagant toys. It’s like Batman wasn’t the main character at all; It was the Joker. It has been reported that even though he was the title character, Christian Bale was glad that The Joker stole the show; the dynamic made the film even better. The whole movie was very dark and hopeless almost but despite that, it’s definitely the movie to see of the summer because of the superior acting, astonishing cinematography and regretfully, the unrepeatable decision to cast Heath Ledger.

I think comic books and their movies are our generation’s equivalent of westerns. Heroes, justice, ordinary men doing the extra-ordinary…and the good guy (almost) always coming out on top. My dad always said he watched Gunsmoke and Bonanza because it renewed his faith in the human condition. Batman just traded in the horse for the Batmobile, brandishing his cunning instead of a six-shooter…the venue moving from the OK Corral to Gotham City. You will have to see the movie to see all the twists and turns to see how this one turns out and which character rides off into the sunset.

review: beware of the grassman.

If you ever have a moment where you’re on the brink of suicide and need that one little push to send you over the edge, I encourage you to watch the program that the SM actually took the time to DVR for us to watch last night.  History Channel’s MonsterQuest:  The Ohio Grassman.

http://www.history.com/shows.do?episodeId=303046&action=detail

While it might have competition for being the worst thing I have ever watched, it was DEFINITELY the worst show I have ever seen to prove or disprove the existence of a bigfoot. They had a guy who makes remote control helicopters come down from Michigan to fly over the region to see if he could catch anything.   The remote control helicopter, while being just loud enough to scare off any and all wildlife in general, had a thermal camera and recorded something in the woods that looks like a dot, so you can’t tell what it is.  Inconclusive.  It could have been a deer or wolf, or one of this dude’s friends for all we know.  (Plus, I have to mention that the helicopter, because it was battery operated, lasted only for a few minutes at a time.)

Then they shared some daytime footage of what looks like a person in a state park, running through the brush.  It was a regular sized creature, who appeared to be white (aren’t sasquatches brown?).  The SM and I were convinced it was kids, mid-coitus, running from the ranger.  Regardless, it was shot in 1992 so the tape sucks.  Again; inconclusive.

Plus, everyone always sees it while they’re alone….except for the lone sighting of this one couple who was camping, in Ohio, in the middle of December.  If you ask me, they had to be on something pretty damn strong to be camping in December in Salt Fork State Park.  Yet again; inconclusive.

Because of all these “sightings” by high campers and cat ladies in trailers, the people from The Ohio Center for Bigfoot Research (my tax money went to this?!?!) came in to investigate.  They set up three motion-activated cameras and a dummy to lure the grassman into the cameras’ range.  The dummy was a monkey mask and a black rug on a couple of two by fours.  Seriously.  And when that didn’t work, the one guy was screaming like a woman to lure it.

I have to say, there was one interesting moment in the show where a scientist did do some tests and found a legitimate non-human primate footprint in southern Ohio.  Could there be the missing link in evolution out there somewhere?  But I couldn’t take him seriously because he lives in Bentonville*, Southern Ohio (almost in Kentucky, population 4600), possibly 200 miles from even the nearest zoo, and he was (too) proud of the fact that he was just not a fingerprint expert, but a primate fingerprint expert.  WHY would ANYONE in the world much less Bentonville, Ohio need to be an expert on primate fingerprints?  Was there a rash of unsolved bank robberies by the local chimp gang?  Did a grocery store get robbed of all its bananas?  Inconclusive?  CHECK.

All in all, it was just about the worst, least conclusive piece of journalism, if you want to call it that, that I have ever seen.  I’m not one to believe in a lot of bigfoot/alien abduction because 99 times out of 100, that person got abducted or saw the sasquatch by themselves.   No one else is ever around the validate the experience.   I understand that ALF isn’t going to jump out and show himself in a room of people in the middle of the day to sign autographs, but come on.

Secondly - if this thing is a primate, it’s an herbivore most likely.  In that case, I don’t give a shit because it’s not going to eat me and it’s not going to eat the Punkster.  Additionally, doesn’t this thing poop anywhere?  Do they die?  This would all be conclusive evidence that was never mentioned during the show that would prove that a creature like this existed.  Conclusive evidence? Fuck that!  Leave that to fancy, nancy-boy scientists who sit in lily-white labcoats in labratories all day.  Let’s get drunk and speculate about a tape that was made 15 years ago and sad hillbilly testimony.

Thirdly, these experiences rarely, if ever, happen to educated individuals who I am going to believe.  I am all about learning more about potential connections between us and lesser forms of life…and if there is concrete evidence that there are beings on other planets, I want to hear about it.  But if Jim Bob is out in the woods drinkin’ around the campfire with his wife-cousin, and she goes to the truck to grab another pack of menthols out of the cab, and somethingmysteriously gets lodged up his ass, I am going to most likely assume it was the moonshine talking, not an alien probe.  (After all, he ain’t no fag!)  If he sees a big, burly, hairy mass with linebacker shoulders at the edge of the clearing, chances are it was just Bobbie Sue, chasing after her Camel Cash.

In conclusion (since there were no conclusions made on the show), I am not any more convinced that The Ohio Grassman exists, or that any bigfoot-like creature roams the earth.  If there WAS a link between us and other primates, why are there only handful of these creatures around?  There are billions of people on earth, and probably millions of monkeys.  How could the missing link exist in only a select few?  I guess we’ll never know.

MORE INFO:

More about sightings:  http://www.bigfootencounters.com/creatures/grassman.htm

About how the show was a joke:  http://forums.randi.org/showthread.php?t=116269

*Fun Trivia:  The median home value is a whopping $36,000.  Median household income is $26,000.  Additionally, Bentonville is the home of the Anti-Horse Thief Society monument. Like many organizations whose purpose for being established no longer exists, horse thievery is no longer a problem in Adams County. However, the Society continues to exist and hold meetings.  STFU.

movie review: wanted.

As we departed from Get Smart, the SM expressed the desire to see Wanted. I figured we’d either go home and he’d be playing his video games and I’d crash on the couch as I watched…or we could get tickets to another one of the movies we were both itching to see. I suggested we get back in line and see two movies in one day. “I was hoping you’d say yes,” said the foxy SM, quite pleased.

It was 8:00 pm and the only showings for Wanted were at 7:55 and 10:15. We decided that the previews had to still be running and we didn’t want to wait around until 10. We flew through line and ran to theatre 5. The previews had just started - phew. The theatre was pretty full, but we managed to score some respectable seats. The lights were lowered and the massacre began.

If you have seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith and liked it, you will like Wanted. If you liked Fight Club, you like Wanted. It’s very fast paced with deliberate slow-motion shots to make you very aware of the damage being done. Bullets are slowed down to see the details engraved into them and chase scenes are almost paused mid-engine-rev to see the expressions on the assassins’ faces. Narration to the audience from our protagonist (as there is in Fight Club) was used very smartly as well.

Wesley Gibson, played by James McAvoy, is brilliant. Smart, witty, sarcastic and unexpectedly driven. He’s living the life well-known by the characters of Office Space, an Account Manager for a big, cubicle-chained existence. So when Fox (played by the effortlessly sexy Angelina Jolie) shows up in the mundane routine of his sad life (as he fills his prescription for anxiety and depression, believe it or not), he begins to wonder who he is and what he’s on earth for.

Fox lures him back to a training center for a band of world-class assassins called the Fraternity, perpetuated by the ringleader, Sloan (Morgan Freeman). They have a special job for Wesley; one that no one else can do…and the training begins.

The star quality is there. The action, gore and witty dialogue are definitely there. A fair amount of partial nudity for either persuasion is definitely there as well. Rar. Of course, Angelina is – literally – the standard by which all of us women hold ourselves, pretty much….and James McAvoy did up the stud factor with some old fashioned weight-lifting, Angelina still takes the cake though in the naked department. If I didn’t love dudes, I’d be all about that shit, pregnant or not (maybe we could make ninja babies?!)

The whole basis for the movie and the message to leave with is this whole notion of questioning your identity that Wesley is burdened with throughout. He questions his past, his present and his future, which all of us should do now and again. Of course, he did it on a lot bloodier scale. While there is a lot of gore, it is beautifully shot. While it seems like your run-of-the-mill action, shoot-em-up film, I felt it was quite more than that, questioning our own integrity. It was fuckin’ sweet and totally bad-ass…but got me thinking about the trajectory of my own life; where I am and where I want to be. I don’t want to be an assassin, but am I doing what I love for a living? Am I in living conditions I love? Am I close enough with the people I care about the most and do I treat them accordingly?

Because of the fact that it was seriously so totally boss AND made me think introspectively, I have to give Wanted a 9 out of 10 super-gnarly personalized bullets. And because Angelina’s ass was so hot, I have a feeling, the SM would give it a perfect 10 (“You could bounce a quarter off that thing!”). I’ve been to Indiana Jones, Get Smart, the BF saw The Happening…and the sheer fact that Zohan and The Love Guru even exist…I have to say, so far, Wanted is the summer blockbuster we’ve been waiting for. I’m still waiting for Hancock and The Dark Knight of course…and you have to agree that Wall-E looks kind of cute. But as of right now – July 1 – Wanted is the movie to go see in theatres tonight.

movie review: get smart.

The SM and I, in our efforts to use our brains as little as possible after our vacation week, decided Sunday afternoon to go to the movie theatre and see a double feature. Actually, the double feature quality of the afternoon wasn’t decided until later, but it turned out that way because we have no lives. While we both wanted to see both movies, my first choice was Get Smart, as I had watched the show with Don Adams as a kid on Nick at Nite. I thought Steve Carell would be the most qualified to take the place of the original Agent 86 and I have a serious obsession with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson that needed to be fulfilled.

Turns out that Get Smart rightfully won the box office on its first week out. Clever and funny and well-casted, it did the original program justice. It explains how Maxwell Smart goes from analyst to agent in Control and all the shenanigans that 86 and 99 get into curtailing KAOS’ plans to achieve world domination by nuclear scare tactics. Carell was just as clumsy and lovable as Adams. And Anne Hathaway, with her class and beauty as Agent 99 was perfection to replace the gorgeous Barbara Feldon. Her Chanel chic was impeccable.  Alan Arkin was brilliant as The Chief and of course, my man, Rocky, as agent 23, was as charismatic as ever.

A few show-stealers that you’ll have to see the movie to appreciate: Lloyd and Bruce – two lab techs at Control, Patrick Warburton as Hymie in the last moments of the movie…and the timeless humor of Bill Murray with his 30 second cameo as Agent 13. And I can’t forget James Caan at the US President.

There is a little unpredictability to the plot, but don’t go to your seat thinking you get some epic, M. Night Shamaylan twists and/or turns. It’s sweet, chock-full of one-liners and a no-brainer for a chill night out. And its one comedy released in the last 5 years NOT produced or directed by Judd Apatow! Great date flick due to the lack of inflammatory topics (and a good test to see if your date has a good sense of humor), and great for those wanting to relive the 1965 sitcom all over again.

The SM and I were pretty satisfied. I’d give it 7 out of 10 shoe phones and the SM would probably agree with 7 or so exploding dental flosses. The only way that Get Smart might have “missed it by THAT much” was only because of the nature of movie it was. Get Smart leaves the brilliant dialogue, completely unpredictable twists and genius cinematography to Scorsese and Coppolla, Tarantino and Spielberg types. But Get Smart is everything you’d want in a spy comedy. Check it out.

movie review: iron man.

“They say the best weapon is one you never have to fire. I prefer the weapon you only need to fire once. That’s how dad did it, that’s how America does it, and it’s worked out pretty well so far.”  - Tony Stark, Iron Man.

In case you are one of the 3 or 4 people on Earth who hasn’t seen Iron Man yet, The SM and I went to go see it last night and were pleasantly surprised.  Tony Stark, weaponry genius and international playboy ends up in the hands of terrorists asking him to build his latest missle for their own uses.  Of course, Tony refuses, but still has the predicament of getting out of his captors’ reach. 

The SM was pretty impressed with it due to a few factors.  He liked that it stayed relatively true to the comic book.  He liked the special effects and CGI.  He liked Tony Stark so much that I think he might be trying to build one of these Iron Man suits in his man room as we speak.  He did take today off of work.

I liked it because the dialgoue was general smart and not too cheesy, which is a liberty some goofy comic book movies take.  I hate cheesy puns.  The whole movie is going to be unrealistic as it is, it’s about super heroes for Christ’s sake.  I was pleased that director Jon Favreau’s expectation of my capacity for suspended disbelief wasn’t stretched as far as it could have been.  I like the relationships between the characters; Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) was actually a better character than I thought she’d be.  And last but not least, it just fortified the decade-long crush I have had on Robert Downey Jr.  Hard-ass, unaccountable prick turned into a billionaire with a heart of gold. 

All in all, it was funny enough, it was high-tech and savvy enough, it was touching enough for me to give it maybe 7.5 missles out of 10.  I can’t give it higher than that because it is a comic book movie and it’s not like there were epic performances worthy of Oscars.  But it was definitely everything you’d want in a fun, loud summer blockbuster.

movie review: trapped in the closet

P-p-p-impin for life!

Every last one of you can make fun of me for the next twenty years, but I had to share what I had the pleasure (?) of watching last night over at our friends’ Brad and Jenn’s cookout yesterday.  “Trapped In the Closet” a hip-hopera by R. Kelly was probably the worst piece of movie mess that I have ever seen.  However, on the contrary, it was the most engrossing, quotable, hilarious thing I have ever watched.

Anything I could possibly say about it would never do it any justice.  You just HAVE to go rent it.  The whole film is sung in the same tune - like the same song.  It starts off with R. Kelly having to hide in the closet of the woman’s bedroom with which he is cheating.  And if you thought that was dramz enough, just wait.  Gay love affairs, midgets, pimps in church and about 10 LL Cool J References later, the SM and I were desperately begging for more last night.  R. Kelly, while the whole movie is not meant to be taken seriously, absolutely should be considered for the next Madea or Nutty Professor film.  As the main character Sylvester, as Pimp Lucius, as the church’s janitor, and the pastor of the church as well, R. Kelly is actually down-right hilarious, despite his previous life of pissing on teenage girls.

Long story short, do yourself a favor.  Please spend the $4 at Blockbuster or wherever your rent your fine films from and fully experience “Trapped in the Closet.”  It’s worth every penny of your $4. 

idol recap: top 9.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am a huge fan of Dolly Parton.  There are few people in the music industry to stay relevant as long as she has and she has contributed more to music than a lot of people recognize.  Unfortunately, I don’t feel like her music translated well to American Idol last night.

 The favorites were good and the mediocre were mediocre.  My man, David Cook did well considering he had to transform Dolly into rock…and honestly, the performances of the night for me were David Archuleta (admittedly, I was disappointed when he did so well) and Michael Johns. 

Its hard to say who will go at this point.  Of course, I am hoping for Ramiele to get the screws put to her, but America keeps surprising me.  Kristy Lee Cook could have taken better advantage of a country genre week, in my option.  Brooke White rushed Jolene too much.  Syesha and Jason Castro were pretty boring.  Carly actually did well and sounded pretty, but Simon was right - who dressed her this week?  Did she come straight from tending bar?

All in all, I was pretty disappointed this week.  I know it was a tough theme but still, I was hoping for some killer performances that we get 2-3 of each week.  I guess David Cook can’t be sheer perfection every week.  Again, I hope it’s Ramiele.  She is the least talented of the group.  Her and Kristy Lee.  America…I hope you did the right thing.  It’d be a real shame if I had to kick everyone’s ass in America, one at a time.  I am a busy, important lady and that would take a long ass time.

NOTE: David Cook was rushed to the hospital last night with heart palpitations.  Word is that my soulmate…I mean uh, Cook, is fine now.  I think he shouldn’t be looking at pictures of me.  That tends to do it to the guys.