saw a great quote today that i had to share.

Your secrets help me with mine.

my life is socks.

They have taken away

my creativity

and left

only a wrinkled

tattered

unwashed

pile

of zeroes and ones.

hotel truth.

hotels tend to make everything better, don’t they? 

the idea of staying somewhere else, fancy…

…like you’re travelling and no one knows your name

but the front desk clerk.

the idea of vacation and being somewhere you aren’t normally

really suits me right now.

i’m sorry.

i was in the wrong. 

let’s get a room

some candles

some chinese takeout

and remember

my day.

it rambles

it squeaks

it valleys and peaks

it pokes

it prods

i wink and nod

it rolls its eyes

it burns my thighs

it reminds me

of days gone bys

i’m bored

no value

yet i bleed

for you

for my paycheck

for approval

for ever-changing

ever-re-defining

satisfaction

that i can’t define

won’t define

may never define

therapy repeats in my head

balance, silence, peace.

impervious. the 25 cent word of the day.

i feel this

distance

between me and the world.

inches and miles and light years. 

from reality.

from living.

from myself.

like a spectator, i stand

the world passes

i nod.

i stare.

For a while now, I have been evidently training myself to compartmentalize my life.  My work from my personal life from my parents versus love life, them versus friends, different definitions of myself…and I am at the point in this moment that I feel numb and like I am just walking through life in the Popemobile,  impervious to the outside world.  As if I am completely unaware, staring blankly ahead like our dog in the car looking out into the woods.  I feel like a helium balloon, floating above everything and everyone, unaffected by the ground below.  I can hear the “wub-wub-wub” sounds of the people and things around me, like I am in am impenetrable bubble that needs to be popped.  I feel like a visitor in my life, in my shell of a body, in the wet slosh of brains in my head. 

I have unhealthily made myself an inhabitant in my life.  I have overthought things to the extent that I don’t even feel like I am making the decisions I am analyzing anymore.  It’s like I am being a therapist to this other person living in my world.  It’s sad and frustrating and I am not sure how to morph back into myself anymore. 

I am depressed and need to talk to someone other than…the air.  I’m gonna get on the horn and start trying to get a real therapist in my life who can maybe help me change my thought habits.

the forever.

he makes me forget what it was like before.

i forgot everyone else’s cold kisses, everyone else’s pushing hands

everyone else’s futureless smiles, the miles and miles and miles.

i put them away, deep in my files.

had my heart on the shelf

was sick of proving myself

but it’s all washed away

I’m back and whole

found my soul

i get to remember the catching breaths, the tight squeezes

the warm breezes

the skipped beats

the ice-cold feets

the shakespeare

the cold green beer

the knowing

the glowing

the keeps-on-going-and-going-and-going.

the whenever, wherever

the forever and ever and ever.