some truth in jest.

clif notes for men. volume one.

Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them. I have had a real onslaught of emails and calls from girlfriends who are having more and more difficulties with their significant others so I thought I’d jot down a few tips for the average man to use as a Clif notes guide on how to not fuck up. I went with five this time around though you ladies know, this list could go to Beijing and back….just like a list like this could go out to us girls. We ain’t too proud. But I’m a girl and this is my blog so suck it if you don’t like it.

Print these out if necessary and hand them to your man, ladies. Men, do you part and be proactive here; take these to heart.

1) Don’t have double standards. If you can joke about certain topics, so can your woman. If you like her big ol’ bootie, she can poke at your sweet, soft belly. If you joke about being the perpetual bachelor and getting the milk for free, don’t be angry when she pretends to hold her breath for a ring when you walk by her favorite jewelry store. Don’t blow money on video games and shots and cuss her out when she sends a pretty penny on a pair of (too expensive) shoes. Everyone sucks at life, or working out, or being un-insane sometimes. Cut each other a break.

2) Don’t set precedents you will never maintain. Don’t set up elaborate surprises and sweet gestures at the beginning of your relationship if you are never going to do them after the 3 month threshold of romantic notions. Don’t take out the garbage before it gets full for a month then get lazy and leave it to start your very own landfill in the corner of the kitchen. And perhaps the most important precedent to maintain…

3) If you can’t be faithful, don’t pretend you’re capable at the beginning. Monogamy can be difficult for some, and that’s fine; we can respect that. And I understand if you come into the relationship with faithfulness and best intention in mind. But if you lose your shit and can’t keep it in your hot little pants, don’t fucking date us. If you know it is our intention to be monogamous and to love you and only you and you violate that trust, I hope you enjoyed your (nasty, slutty, infested) penis while it lasted.

4) Do some things you aren’t that fond of for your lady. Slow dance with her. Give her compliments when she fishes for them. Buy the tampons on your way home from work and mind her purse when she dances at the club. If she doesn’t already treat you right, you will be paid back hundred fold with steaks and BJs. Believe me.

5) About Compliments: Don’t piggyback. Coming up with an original compliment when she comes down the stairs looking good or when she chooses and outfit that compliments here breasties/hynie/feature of your choosing, tell her so. Its not as special if you say something right after we compliment you. “I like that shirt on you, baby,” followed by an, “I like your shirt too,” is seriously, epically lame. Effort is the name of the game, fools. Piggybacking is the MO of flattery scrubs. Be creative. There is something unique and original about your lady; that’s why you’re with her. Bring it up to remind her that she is special and she deserves more than a pathetic coattail compliment.

That’s all my pretty little fingers can type right now. I am meeting a girlfriend for lunch, to, surprise, probably bitch about guys and life and work some more. Stay tuned. I intend on posting more this afternoon.

amen.

the picture on my desk.

Sometimes when I sit at work, I look at this picture framed on my desk. I tell people, “No. She’s not ours, but she could pass for ours, right?” I just held her until the picture was taken then I handed her back to her mama. Often times, I lose myself in my stream of thoughts looking at this picture and I just realized today why I love his photograph so much.

While our lives are fun and exciting to a certain extent with a decent amount of spontaneity infused into our world, this is what I’m talking about missing out on and being jealous of sometimes. And I know I’d miss the ability to jump in the car and go anywhere whenever we please, but I’m to the age where that wild hair isn’t as glaring. I’m missing out on that eternal bond, that secure commitment, the idea that we’re inseparable now. The idea that we aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, living in sin; we are a FAMILY. And there is a big difference between the two. They can both be fun and exciting in their own ways, no question. But I miss that common bond, the common last name.

Anyone with any of my blood lives at least 1,100 miles away, in another time zone. And friends can be “family” in some ways, but it’s not the same, no matter what. You can’t depend on friends like you do your blood, no matter what. And because we do grow up and grow apart and move to other states and time zones, those bonds break down and get less familiar.

I’m the first to admit that I don’t talk to my parents as much as I used to…I make it to Houston less often and leave more space between MySpace and Facebook updates for cousins and I to keep in touch. It seems like the easier technology makes it, the less we do it. From my own perspective, while we are trying to stretch our wings and make our generation as proudly transient as possible, we are simultaneously trying so hard to reinvent the closeness that was once so prevalent in previous generations; when our extended families all lived in the same town and we had Sunday dinners together. While its fantastic to have the resources to travel the world and make your nest wherever you see fit (not in the snow, thank God), I think it’s human nature and self-preservation to tribe together…and this type of lifestyle is getting less and less feasible with us living 1,100 miles away from our families.

All these thoughts come to my mind as I sit and look at this picture on my desk. I love my SM more than anything in this world and want to spend the rest of my life with him without a doubt or question in my mind. And the Punk is an important part to us making Charlotte “home” as well. But still…I miss the concept of unconditionality, the security, the protection….of family. And THAT is why I get jealous of my dozens of friends walking down the aisle and making that promise to each other.

mulligan.

I think I want to redecorate, reorganize, re-do my life. Call this a mulligan, perhaps. Get my things and move to Isle of Palms and buy a surf shop. Do websites on the side…be my own boss, surf whenever I want…and downsize my “wants”. Downsize my closet. Make life more simple. I think my life is too complicated right now. Too many people to answer to, too many things to worry me, too many lost hours of sleep and too many wasted days of doing things I am not passionate about.

I need to reconsider what is really important in life. Family, God, and living each day enjoying life. I can’t do that locked in a cubicle, chained to a desk chair. I need to be outside more. I need to chat with strangers more. I need to go to church more. I need to create more, read more, write more, relax more. I need to eat fresher food and cook more. I need to dance like no one is watching more. I need to feel the sun on my face more. And I need less of just about everything else.

At times, I feel guilty for not being more appreciative for the life I have. I have been incredibly lucky and blessed to lead the life I lead. I am educated, loved, appreciated and well taken care of. But there is a void in my life because I am not taking care of myself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically…and honestly, physically. I have to change it because everyday I waste is just one more day I’ll never get back and I don’t want to end up at 38, 58…88, still feeling like life is something that only other people experience. Life is too short to limit yourself. Whether you like it or not, you are your work…you’re there 8 hours a day, a majority of your day. You have early morning and late evening to yourself to do what you want and not what your boss wants.

I just want to be off that radar. Out of the matrix. Windows down, hair up…feeling “full” again. Caring about what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with and life being as simple as that.

I was thinking this morning on my drive, in the traffic and smog…that while I am blessed and life is good, etc…this is not what I want to do for the next 30 years. There is no reason why we can’t live how we want. The key to success is being passionate about what you’re doing..and I feel like I am not successful at life right now because I could care less about the things going on around me. I don’t care about work, responsibilities, etc. I care about the SM. Punky. My family. And being happy.

I feel like I am living this life because of how someone else defines success…having money, taking vacations, buying hot dresses at BCBG that I’ll only wear once or twice. I realize now that happiness for me is being held. Being creative. And being appreciative. I am taking this “good life” for granted because it’s not satisfying any needs or wants in me. If we could just figure out what it would take to redecorate our lives with the things that are important to us – core things – and do it…success and happiness will follow. We’d be skinnier. We’d be richer in more ways than having a few grand in the bank account at once.

All I know is that I can’t crop images in Photoshop, traffic ads and clean up people’s messes for them until I retire.  I can’t look out this window into the Carolina blue sky and never be sheltered by nothing but it and it’s stars with the cool sand between my toes, hunting for ghost crabs with a flashlight.  I left my heart somewhere and I need to go find it.

something old, something new, something borrowed, ashleigh’s blue

I promised the SM last night over a plate of manicotti that I would not have a nervous breakdown of biological clock proportions this weekend, given the fact we are going to a wedding. But that just means I have to get out all frustrations and thoughts out beforehand here.

Again, I couldn’t be happier for Sue and Mike, my dear friends for a long, long time now. And I am so excited about seeing everyone there who I haven’t seen in years, or even since we graduated high school. But where is my wedding? I have put in some serious time with some significant others, never to have that blessed day when he goes down on one knee and asks me to be his forever.

Why is it that women feel so pressured to link up and stick with someone through better and worse? Why do we plan the flowers and dress and church as little girls only to have to rearrange our plans when we grow up? Why does everyone I know in the whole universe need to be getting engaged and married every other weekend this year? I haven’t really hit the wall regarding this yet, until this summer. I’ve said it before, but I officially know something like 11 couples who are engaged for their future wedding or got/are getting married this summer. That’s TWENTY-TWO people…and I don’t know all that many people!

The reason we even got on this subject was because the SM mentioned that he would love to plan a trip to Puerto Rico to surf at some point in the winter. I made a frowny face. I tried to brush it off because I knew that it would end ugly, but he persisted. I told him that I could think of something else I’d like to spend a few thousand on. I’d like to go to Puerto Rico too…but how about for our honeymoon?

I try. I really do. I try to stay calm and patient because he always talks about our plans and futures and we’re definitely both present. I know that guys have their timelines and they aren’t always ours, but I am tired of having my little hopes and dreams determined by other people; in every facet of my life. I have more people to answer to than I care about answering to. I guess that’s everyone’s story though. I just figure in this one arena, I might have a little bit of a say.

I just want to know, forever, that I have someone who will be there with me through everything. I want to know that the time and money and tears and everything I have spent aren’t for naught. I want to walk down that aisle and be secure in my future. I know that marriage isn’t the most stable convention and I know that marriage doesn’t mean that someone WILL be there for everything because you will disagree at times. But I have gotten out of relationships after 3 or 4 years more than once…and if feels like I am doomed to serve a life sentence of serial monogamy.

It’s just frustrating. From day one, hour one, literally, the SM talked about our wedding day; where it could be, how it could happen, who we’d invite. We both know this is it for us; there isn’t anyone with whom we’d rather be. But when will that day happen? 487 days so far…and ticking. Hopefully this is enough catharsis for now.

Just remembered: The SM was like…if I get you a ring, YOU are happy for a few hours, telling friends and family. If we go to Puerto Rico, both of us will be happy for a whole WEEK. Hahaha. Asshole. I told him if he gets me a ring, we don’t have to have this fucking conversation anymore and he quickly saw my point.  PWNED.

the key to life.

People often come to me asking me, “O wise one? What are we here for?  What is the key to life?”  And I tuck them into bed, snug and tight below the covers and a hand-sewn quilt I made for them and tell them this:

They key to life, the one way to get through life and get along with those around you is through laughter.  With all of us coming from very different backgrounds, regardless of whether or not you are at work, at home, with friends or on the ball field, the one common thread we can share is laughter.  I have friends that have kids, who don’t….who are republicans, democrats (or socialists for Christ’s sake)…who came from affluent backgrounds and less fortunate backgrounds.  None of these things matter.  A friend isn’t someone you agree with everything on.  A friend isn’t someone who is in the same tax bracket or grew up in a neighborhood as safe as yours.  A friend doesn’t necessarily still have married parents, they don’t necessarily have the same career as you, they don’t necessarily spend their money as wisely (or unwisely) as you.  The compatibility lies in your senses of humor.

I know for a fact, no matter how much we had in common, it would be almost impossible to get along with the SM without a sense of humor.  That sounds bad but it’s actually a compliment.  We get along so well because our senses of humor are so perfectly matched.  We get along so well because in many ways, he is the opposite of me and I of him.  He brings talents to the relationship that I can’t contribute and the same goes for what I bring to the table.  But when it comes down to it, with a simple look or a few phrases, we can have each other in stitches.  When one of us is having a bad day, the other one has a few tricks up their sleeve to get the other one back to center.  And it’s almost always through laughter. 

This is only more proven by the introspection of my life regarding the people I haven’t gotten along with.  I am very self-effacing person.  I don’t have a lot of secrets and make fun of myself on a regular basis.  I have my talents, but I am incredibly clumsy, white, spoiled, unathletic and every once in a while, my blonde roots show through. I was in band for 8 years.  I’m legally blind in my left eye, affecting my depth perception and my ability to not look like I am impersonating a pirate.

But the people I haven’t gotten along with, though very few and far between, are people that I did not match with sense-of-humor-wise.  They didn’t get my self-deprecation.  They didn’t get my un-PC, irreverent look on the world.  They took everything I said too seriously.  Keep in mind, with how good it (selfishly) feels to make people happy, there are very few times that I am talking when I am not trying to get laugh.  It’s rewarding partly because it’s making others feel good…and partly because it’s challenging to continually reinvent the wheel to catch someone off-guard.  I have learned to be self-deprecating, funny and clever because of all of my faults, so like me or leave me for what they have turned me into.  I’m stuck with me, so I have no choice but to poke fun at myself. 

So the point of the story - learn to love yourself and all your faults…and love your friends despite it all too.  After all, a good, hearty laugh is the one thing we all have in common; the fabric of our lives to keep our heads above water and our eyes looking towards the stars.

how being an only child has ruined my life.

I came to a difficult, yet honest realization this weekend as I lay in bed on Sunday, crying again over another ridiculous, un-met expectation that I had on the SM.  Being raised as an only child has ruined me for life. 

Things were always done for me; my messes cleaned up, my stresses diluted, my needs met unconditionally.  I asked for it and I got it, on my time schedule, my way. 

The hard but real truth is that no one I will ever meet the same level and devotion as my parents did.  No one else will ever drop their lives just for me or bear every last cross.  No one will take care of every last problem I have so altruistically as my parents have over the last 27 years.  But regardless of this, I inevitably hold everyone else I meet up to these unrealistic standards.  Inevitably, I come off as the spoiled brat who is never satisfied.  No one else is every doing their share.  No one makes me feel special.

I know that it’s no one’s fault.  My parents did the best they could and I did the best I could.  But how, after some therapy and some introspection, do you eliminate the effects of a solo-flight childhood after habitually feeding this disappointing cycle for 27 years? 

This is the next question to cover with the Shrink.  This could be the breakthrough that I have needed all my life.  I know it’s a fact about my upbringing that I, obviously, have always been aware of, but sometimes it takes saying it out loud to really hear it.  Being an only child, in a lot of ways, has really affected my life in negative ways.  Of course, it helped foster creativity and imagination and the ability to enjoy alone time and independence.  I AM self-reliant on a variety of things.  But as far as relationships are concerned, I know for a fact that I expect more from people the the average person.  And I know I have caused disagreements, fights and full-on blow-outs resulting in break-ups because of it.

I do not regret leaving the relationships I have moved on from the past in the slightest but I made the decision a year and a month ago that I wanted to be with my SM for as long as he’ll have me.  I don’t want to leave or get left again….ever.  I know if I make some changes and help myself out that there isn’t anyone better for me.  He has his demons too, but all I can do is help myself and be the best AshPash I can be.  Besides, I have a feeling if the cycle of dysfunction that I am directly responsible for can stop, that will improve our relationships and my life in general, dramatically. 

Here’s to making a big step in the right direction to quick sabotaging my relationships and success. 

stream of consciousness…

Campbell’s Soup at Hand Chicken with Mini Noodle, when cold, feels like already puked-up puke in your mouth.

 I can be a bad person if I let myself.

I am a good person most of the time though.

Life is rarely fair.

Twitter is kinda cool.

American Idol is on tonight! 

David Cook is the man!

Are the guys gonna play ball tonight? 

My throat hurts.   Am I getting sick again?

I need to find the SM’s old blackberry.

Diet Dr. Pepper tastes a lot like regular Dr. Pepper.  Seriously.

I have great friends.

I have a great family.  Make that a TOTALLY BOSS family.

It’s almost time to go!  Couch or bleachers tonight?  We shall see!

parallel universe.

It seems as if my life is operating in some sort of parallel universe the last few days.  I have tons of work to do and so does everyone else I know.  no one is emailing me the most random bullshit they can come up with today.  What is the world coming to? 

More therapy tonight.  I can’t wait.  Its like AshPash time.  Me and the Shrink, chillin….talking the things out of my head.  I said it before, but everyone needs to go to therapy.  So…that is what I am looking frward to today.  Not launching this incredibly miserable new website this idiots have built for us.  Not traffic.  Not cleaning up the house.  The drug store and therapy.  That’s what it’s come down to.