I promised the SM last night over a plate of manicotti that I would not have a nervous breakdown of biological clock proportions this weekend, given the fact we are going to a wedding. But that just means I have to get out all frustrations and thoughts out beforehand here.
Again, I couldn’t be happier for Sue and Mike, my dear friends for a long, long time now. And I am so excited about seeing everyone there who I haven’t seen in years, or even since we graduated high school. But where is my wedding? I have put in some serious time with some significant others, never to have that blessed day when he goes down on one knee and asks me to be his forever.
Why is it that women feel so pressured to link up and stick with someone through better and worse? Why do we plan the flowers and dress and church as little girls only to have to rearrange our plans when we grow up? Why does everyone I know in the whole universe need to be getting engaged and married every other weekend this year? I haven’t really hit the wall regarding this yet, until this summer. I’ve said it before, but I officially know something like 11 couples who are engaged for their future wedding or got/are getting married this summer. That’s TWENTY-TWO people…and I don’t know all that many people!
The reason we even got on this subject was because the SM mentioned that he would love to plan a trip to Puerto Rico to surf at some point in the winter. I made a frowny face. I tried to brush it off because I knew that it would end ugly, but he persisted. I told him that I could think of something else I’d like to spend a few thousand on. I’d like to go to Puerto Rico too…but how about for our honeymoon?
I try. I really do. I try to stay calm and patient because he always talks about our plans and futures and we’re definitely both present. I know that guys have their timelines and they aren’t always ours, but I am tired of having my little hopes and dreams determined by other people; in every facet of my life. I have more people to answer to than I care about answering to. I guess that’s everyone’s story though. I just figure in this one arena, I might have a little bit of a say.
I just want to know, forever, that I have someone who will be there with me through everything. I want to know that the time and money and tears and everything I have spent aren’t for naught. I want to walk down that aisle and be secure in my future. I know that marriage isn’t the most stable convention and I know that marriage doesn’t mean that someone WILL be there for everything because you will disagree at times. But I have gotten out of relationships after 3 or 4 years more than once…and if feels like I am doomed to serve a life sentence of serial monogamy.
It’s just frustrating. From day one, hour one, literally, the SM talked about our wedding day; where it could be, how it could happen, who we’d invite. We both know this is it for us; there isn’t anyone with whom we’d rather be. But when will that day happen? 487 days so far…and ticking. Hopefully this is enough catharsis for now.
Just remembered: The SM was like…if I get you a ring, YOU are happy for a few hours, telling friends and family. If we go to Puerto Rico, both of us will be happy for a whole WEEK. Hahaha. Asshole. I told him if he gets me a ring, we don’t have to have this fucking conversation anymore and he quickly saw my point. PWNED.
Women are programmed from little girl-hood through womanhood that we are not complete unless we establish relationships with others. We are spoonfed the whole wedded bliss thing and are expected to have that be accomplished prior to about 30. I hate it and I hate that it makes us feel this way. Relax, love life, love your man and try your best to enjoy all these rituals that cost exorbitant amounts of money. Heck, if and when I ever do it, I’m goin’ low budget and visiting the old justice of the peace….hehehe - and I’m wearing softball gear, ya heard????
JOP is the way the way to go. But don’t be like ghetto Jen up there and wear softball gear. But if you must just go there in you skankest clothes you got. We all know you probably have some on the level of legendary “oh no she didn’t” skank.
Enjoy life no rush to get hitched and become the proverbial ball and chain
Where’s YOUR wedding? Where’s MY SM?!?! Be happy for what you have! I don’t have a ring either, and go home to an empty apartment every fucking day. Not that I’m bitter about it or anything.
The grass is always greener babe, the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side…
Love ya! Claud