the audacity of trust

A good friend of mine down here emailed me this morning about some derision that is going on in her home as of late, so this got me thinking and rambling, somewhat articulately…so I thought I’d share.  It was all about upheaval and its effect on how we live our lives, regarding ourselves and even our chidren.

Upheaval is definitely digested and dealt with in a variety of ways…dictated a lot even by the age of the person.  Babies cry.  Tweens and teens act out in school/against parents…and people at the quarter-life crisis timeframe have spouses and ourselves to fight against.  We all do the best we can, but its something that we all face.  One’s wit’s end is not a fun place to be, but there isn’t one of us who hasn’t been there before.

Regarding the birth and nurturing of the AshPash and how it relates:  While my dad “was around” in the way that my parents weren’t divorced, there was a lot of time in my childhood that I had just with my mom, me and her.  My dad would go to work before I got up for school in the morning and get home right before bed.  I know it was hard for my mom to strike the balance between friend/confidant and mother/disciplinarian.  I know that inner turmoil for her affected our relationship today and my relationship with others now. 

I have daddy issues so I have a genuine fear of abandonment that rears its ugly head sometimes.  I was an only child so I like to be the center of attention a little more than the average bear.  But I know my parents did the best they could with the resources they have and I don’t fault them for that.

The implications of child birth and rearing on the future contributions of your offspring can be very overwhelming.  Though I don’t have kids, that is one of the reasons why I have abstained from making them.  That, and I prefer sending money on designer shoes over diapers.   

There was just a lot of talking and learning every experience that my mother had to discipline me.  I remember at one point, I told her to quit spanking me (very young, 4-5 or so) because it didn’t hurt long enough…like it wasn’t punishment enough.  (I was smart enough to know the psychology of reward and consequence, but not smart enough to shut my stupid mouth?)  I’d get spanked and be out in the yard again, riding my Big Wheel in 15 minutes.  I found that taking things away that I cared about worked well, but built a little resentment in me too.  I’m still mad about the time I got my phone taken and I was grounded for five weeks for being in a different yard, which both of my parents could see as easily as the yard I was supposed to be in.  I was 10 for Christ’s sake.

The best reason I EVER felt sorry and righted my ship for what I feel were the right reasons was because my mom took the time to explain why my actions were so upsetting to her.  She would say that she wanted a good life for me…that she KNEW how smart and talented I was and I could be anything I wanted if I just tried, so it hurt her when I didn’t.  It wasn’t guilt-based talk – it was only how she felt and how she saw it.  But I felt bad because I was letting her and my dad down.  I wasn’t living up to my potential or their expecations.  We had such a close relationship, that I felt responsible as a friend almost to keep up my half of the deal.  It was a lesson in our relationship…and in compassion and consequences beyond material things.

Now I can’t say for sure…quite yet…if that strategy works best in the long run.  Now that I don’t have parents to enforce their ideals and expectations on me, I have started forcing unrealistic expectations on myself and as a result, go to therapy and work through this “cycle of self-defeat” stuff I’ve posted about before.  I assume wherever mistakes I make are catastrophic…and overgeneralize each mis-step as a judgement on my character as a whole.  I’m constantly spending futile energy on thinking and being anxious about the future and have a real problem with being truly content and satisfied with my life.

So is that better than lowering my standards and accepting the status quo?  Living under the radar?  Settling for a life of entitlement and dependence on others, or God forbid, the government?  Hell if I know.  At this point, I’d prefer my road, just because I think it affects fewer people negatively in the long run.  I might hate myself, but at least I didn’t have a child at 15 or go to jail or something.  I think once we are raised and on our own to make decisions about this stuff alone with on ourselves to blame, we all get to choose the better of two evils in this life. 

Everyone, no matter their upbringing, is on this vast, long looping, forked spectrum of normalcy and sanity.  I am a firm believer that there is no “normal” or “sane”…I think it’s just a matter of who is doing the best job at keeping their life unaffected by every last detail from their past to enjoy the present as it happens and look optimistically towards the future.  And that takes some serious practice, considerable introspection, a lot of forgiving and patience from each other.  And often times, therapy.