oscar recap.

It’s not suggested to photoshop yourself on an Oscar statue first thing Monday morning.  Ugly.

Now, anyone can recap all the winners and losers, and discuss every last thread every star wore down the Red Carpet.  But as you know, the AOT prides itself on being a little left of center.  So in that spirit, I will attempt to recap some of my observations for my adoring public.

1)  Ryan Seacrest is gay.  I don’t care what anyone says.  He talks about celebrities and their clothes all night, he makes a joke about this UK producer running the show behind him getting all up in his junk and he made insincere remarks and quips about getting Heidi Klum naked?  Is he the understudy for Carson Kressley on “How To Look Good Naked?”  SNAP.

2)  Hollywood hates America.  Actor - Daniel Day Lewis.  Actress - Marion Cotillard.  Best Song - A Mic and a Czech. Documentaries both long and short form, art direction, cinematography, Tilda Swinton, Javier Bardem.  Americans weren’t even hardly nominated.  Look at Best Actress - Even Juno is Canadian.  Even the presenters were a majority foreign in Penelope Cruz, Colin Farrell, Helen Mirren, etc.  The only damn thing Americans won was Direction (The Coen Brothers) and the Best Animated Feature for a whole army of talking, cooking rats.  WTF.  Not that anyone who won did a bad job.  But shit - it takes a stripper/peep show star-turned-blogger to bring home a Best Original Screenplay trophy (Diablo Cody - Juno).  For music, they have Latin Grammys and Brit Awards and a jillion other awards presentations that focus just on the accomplishments popular music of the people IN one country or region.  They award what is spun on the radio in Britain.  Not what’s popular around the world.  They can give nods to band built by Simon Cowell and have the most played song on their radio stations BE Crazy Frog if they want. 

How about doing the same for the Oscars?  I understand that the American Oscars could have categories for best foreign film, etc.  That make sense.  I’d even venture to say that documentaries SHOULD be done to educate Americans about the carnage in Iraq and the plight of other nations around the word.  We’re culture snobs.  Fine.  But if anyone can tell me how many people, in America, without dark-rimmed glasses and a Starbucks addiction, saw La Vie En Rose, and it gets to the point that you have to move from your 10 fingers down to your toes, then your venti latte is on me.  We can drive there in your Prius right after you’re done voting for Ralph Nader.

3)  I didn’t know Colin Farrell sounded like that.  I knew he was Irish, but I think everything I have ever seen him in, he’s been…not Irish.  Regardless of this funny little brogue, I still want to manhandle him about seventy-three ways from Tuesday. 

4)  How are Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen so fucking funny, but Knocked Up wasn’t all that good?  They were my favorite presenters last night.  “So, you’re saying I give off a Dame Judi Dench vibe?” “No, I’m just saying you’re giving off a Not-Halle-Berry vibe.”  Hilarious. 

5)  Where was Michael Cera?  He knocked Juno up and bailed?  Was he at Cross Country practice? 

6)  How terrible and sugary was the fucking Enchanted “concert” we had to subject ourselves to? OMG. Is Kristin Chenoweth 21 or 50?  I couldn’t tell (she’s 38 I believe).  Did they just remaster “Beauty and the Beast” with chicks with paychecks worth of Botox?  Were those the best original songs written for movies this year?  PS I Love You by Nellie McKay?  How about that terrible song from Music and Lyrics?  At least let August Rush win.  It was a cute movie, and to me….there is a defined, legitimate ratio of coolness to how many swaying black people you can fit on a stage.  If we judged by my method, the August Rush song knocked the rest of those chumps out of the park.

And that’s it for right now.  Congratulations to all the winnners of which 99% will be taking their hardware and placing it on a foreign mantle.  And to those Americans who were neglected, know that we love your movies best and prove it by giving you millions at the box office.  The Diving Bell and the Butterfly?  La Vie En Rose?  No match for American Gangster, The Bourne Ultimatum and Ratatouille.  Suck it.  America RULZ.