the audacity of trust

Since I don’t have the money for a full blown therapist right now, again, you wonderful folks, my readers, have been forced into the uncomfortable role of being my army of shrinks.  I will tell you, up front, however, that I do really appreciate it.

The older I get, the less secure I become.  I remember the days back in middle school and high school when I could give two shits about what anyone thought.  It was cool to be in marching band.  It was cool not to drink.  I was goofy, clumsy – and confident in myself.  The world was my oyster and I could have anything I wanted if I just reached out to grab it. 

Nowadays, I watch my every move and watch everyone else’s every move.  I don’t trust as easily and I catch myself assuming the worst.  If I don’t hear back, it’s because they’re mad.  If we aren’t talking about what I’m doing right, I am worried I am doing something wrong.  If there is no information, I assume it’s because someone is keeping the bad information from me. 

I am at a complete loss about what to do about this unfounded paranoia.  Time and again, it is proven that if something is wrong it will be brought up and if everything is fine, I should just keep going with the flow.  But regardless of that, it never seems to matter.  I catch myself assuming and snooping and making myself sick over the dumbest things.  I find myself needing and inordinate amount of approval and affirmation.  I find myself expecting more and more of people.  I overthink which makes me underproductive and counter-creative. 

Somehow I need to break this cycle.  Life is just about as perfect as it can realistically get for a human being on planet earth, yet it never feels that way.  When the relationship with the SM is good, then work is weird.  When I can tolerate work, the SM and I are at each others throats.  When those things are good, then I feel like a lousy daughter or friend.  I ned to make a change but I am not sure what it is.  I need a vacation from my brain.  But if I “leave”, where do I go?  And how do I not think about all the problems I left behind while I’m there? 

I’ve been trying to stick to this Tao book….really thinking about the mantras in there;  the idea that trying so hard takes away from the journey…that the way isn’t happiness but that happiness is the way.  That under all of our everyday thoughts and desires is the Tao…and that that Tao is infinitely powerful and happy.  Once we can meld ourselves with this energy, things will be prioritized, things like this will carry less meaning.

I just need to go on some retreat.  Something to recenter myself and refocus my energies.  Think about what’s important….pray and get into better habits.  I want to do web design during the day and invest in all the gear to get a karaoke business underway….and do that 3-4 nights a week or even for the occassional private party.  I’m tired of being micro-managed and judged for every last move I make.  I’m sick of logging my hours when I’m a salaried employee, and not really being given an explanation why.  I sick of being out of the loop, left out of decisions, being out of ideas and out of my mind.  I’m tired of feeling unfulfilled, part of the machine and that I am making no difference in the world around me. 

I feel like because I am so consumed with the now and the lack of communication there is around me, that I have lost my drive to contribute in any inspired way, in both professional and personal planes.  I come here everyday because my boss is more concerned that my butt is in my seat more than they expect me to really contribute in any productive way – when there isn’t anything I do here that I couldn’t do from home, 25 miles away.  Personally, it’s hard to tell your parents that the phone goes both ways and to tell your boyfriend that massages go both ways. 

In the past, I have made such an effort to really leave my thumbprint on things, to contribute and take some ownership, just to be shot down, over-proofed and criticized again…or left out of the decision-making process all together – or better yet, told my project isn’t a priority.  It’s difficult to muster up enthusiasm when you’re sweeping the deck of a sinking ship.